The Sheer Joy of Kindred Spirit Companionship

Sometimes we've just gotta get out of our own heads, you know?  The endless swirling of our own giant-sized thoughts, the wholehearted self-absorption of our own neediness, the tunnel visioned focus of what's on our own personal plate.

Sometimes we've just gotta take a very purposeful break and tell those iron-sharpening-iron souls in our lives that we truly desire to be in their company and invite them to do life together with us even for just a few precious hours.  And to flexibly follow the Spirit's gentle nudges as we gather side by side.

To pull up rickety chairs 'round the table and break bread one with the other ... even if it's just take out.  To sit outside on a cool evening, cozying under an afghan together even as the sun sets low while the conversation deepens.  To answer 'yes, please' to a repeated offer from a friend who would like nothing better than to lend a hand.  Or do a luscious brunch overlooking the river that flows north and south ... and then grab well-worn sneakers for what seems to be a 50 mile hike back and forth over that river's footbridge on the most glorious sabbath afternoon ever.

These gatherings with kindred spirit companions are sheer joy and a much-craved grace, even more so during seasons of uncertainty, of transition, of change.  The conversation is easy, stories are shared, the laughter flows, there might be a tear or two that falls.  We are stretched and replenished, refueled for the journey ahead.  For we each bring out the absolute best in one another as we point our companions to Christ in the most natural and needful ways.

And when all is said and done, we find that the weekend was not at all about us.  That life goes on beyond our own four walls.  And that it's good, very good, to be totally other-absorbed.  And we can't help but smile as we praise God that those kindred spirit friends are in our lives.  For good.

No matter where our divergent pathways may lead in the unknown days ahead.

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THE TRANSITION JOURNEY ~ AN UNEXPECTED SERIES

In Which This Is All So Very Bittersweet

Dear Linda  : :  Answering Your Questions About the Transition

For Sale . . . Our Much-Loved Haven

The Getting-the-House-Ready-to-Sell Whirlwind

Leaning in the Whirlwind

The Sheer Joy of Kindred Spirit Companionship

Honoring My Clients As I Close Up Shop

3 Things I Loved Most About House Church

Choosing Light-Hearted Responses

Moving On

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stopping in to visit

  Kelly  .  Jennifer  .  Mary  .  Holley  .  Lyli

Haven * autumn nesting delights

Our homes are meant to be welcoming havens,
not secured fortresses.

 

These scuffed doors are just begging to be opened wide,
not bolted shut.

 

Those tables are designed be generously shared,
not surfaces to display a lonesome centerpiece.

 

 

 

We were created to do life in the company of others.  There is that deep cry of the heart to live in community, to be fully present to those God brings onto our pathways, to open our doors to fellow sojourners in need of safe harbor.  This simple offering of ourselves, our bread, and a resting place is a most sacred calling.

And the beauty of it all is that there's not one right way to live this out. 

We've each got our own quirky personality, special giftedness, unique life story, and housing situation.  The practical hands-on application of living out this call to hospitality will sparkle and shine with our own individual imprint. 

 

We've been hoodwinked along the way by the glossy magazine spreads and the way-too-perfect Pinterest pins.  We have gullibly bought the lie that our homes must be immaculate and decorated 'just so' before we put the welcome mat out.  But that's simply not biblical.  We are called, dare I say, commanded, to open our hearts to the worn and weary. 

 

1 Peter 4:9 tells us to 'cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay.'  Other translations include the clear warning to do so without grumbling.

 

And that joy, my friend, is the secret. 

 

Simply put, God absolutely loves when we grab hold of these cheerful giving opportunities.  The offering of a safe haven to another soul is a gift back to Him, the overflowing of a grateful heart that has experienced grace and blessing.  Even, and especially, when it's been a long week or we don't have much more than a can of soup in the cupboard.  Or when there's dust on every surface and piles are strewn from here to there.

That's when His grace kicks in and His power is displayed.  Because it's all about Him and not about us.

The truth is this ... 

 

Somebody, somewhere, needs something that only you can offer.

 

And He, the Multiplier of the most ordinary of loaves and fish, is able to take our feeble offerings and turn them into priceless, life-altering, abundant gifts for a weary heart that needed the listening ear and the prayerful companionship that only you could give.

 

Because when all is said and done, the roof over our heads and the bread on our tables are not ours.

 

They're His.

 

 

    

* * * GIVEAWAY UPDATE! * * *

Every comment you're leaving during this autumn nesting delights house party puts you in the running for one of the two giveaways of Myquillyn Smith's book, THE NESTING PLACE.

And like any decent party, there's going to be a goodie bag waiting for EVERYONE

who's joined in the discussion along the way!

There's still plenty of room at the table for YOU to join in the discussion!  The giveaway ends Friday, October 24th at noon {eastern. US only, please.}  Here's the details of the giveaway and links to all the posts.

*

sharing life with Holley

The People-Pleasers' Prayer

'So we make it our goal

to please HIM,

 

whether we are at home in the body or away from it.'

2 Corinthians 5:9

 

*

 

Lord, we admit that we're endlessly pulled back and forth by everyone's opinions, expectations, and demands.   We've become way too concerned about what everyone else thinks of us. 

 

 

People-pleasing seems to run in our blood ... and we're exhausted from dancing to everyone else's tune. 

 

 

Forgive us from keeping our eyes on everyone else but You.  Help us to clearly focus on what You ask of us.  Give us a joyful satisfaction in our obedience to the direction that You give.  And bid all that noisy clamor from the sidelines far from us. 

 

 

We yearn to live lightly, to walk freely.  And when all is said and done, it's Your 'well done' we're really longing for.

 

 

In Jesus' Name ~

Amen.

 

 

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In the Company of Friends ~ A Synchroblog

I categorize friends as ‘friends who have been to my house’
and ‘friends who haven’t been to my house yet’.

-   The Nester   -

Sheila     .     Me     .     Beth

 

The three of us planned this gathering for months.  My messy marriage friend Beth and her husband were coming from the mid-west to NY for a conference and she wanted to meet for coffee with another marriage blogger, Sheila, and me and our men.  I put the invitation out there for a little dinner party for six and overnight accommodations for the mid-western sojourners.  I couldn't wait.

This is the first time I've had the gift of face-to-face time with a faraway blogger.

And yet as the day drew closer, I began to cast a critical eye at the front steps with the peeling gray paint.  Ditto for the kitchen soffits that definitely needed a bit of repair work after last summer's project.  The furniture with two plaids competing for attention seemed an eyesore, and the patio table masquerading as kitchen furniture seemed to stick out like a sore thumb.  And here I was offering this renowned marriage blogger a guest room ... with twin beds.

Sigh.

In the end, it mattered not one bit.  Our guests arrived and it wasn't two minutes til any apprehensions began to quickly fade.  Six hearts began to relax and connect as common ground was embraced. 

Loving Jesus does that, doesn't it.  And our mutual passion for blogging only made the connect sweeter.

Hours flew on wings as we talked long and deep over dinner.  We laughed often and eyes welled up at the tenderest of times.  Stories of disasters and joys, sorrow and redemption gently tumbled back and forth across the table.  The stuff of faith and writing and family and ministry and books all melded together, weaving a surprisingly warm bond between three bloggers and their men on a breezy, humid evening.

Sheila's man     .     my man     .     Beth's man

It was  just.  so.  cool.

A deep gratitude filled me to overflowing.  To connect with one person is a true gift.  For three couples to join hearts on a multitude of levels?  Sheer grace.

Fast forward to the next morning.  The breakfast dishes were pushed aside, the cameras made a final appearance, hands joined in prayer, the last hug was shared, the final goodbyes spoken.  A midwestern car left for some far off destination. 

before the goodbyes

 

And my brimming eyes blocked the vision of the peeling paint as I climbed the front steps and walked back into the house.

 

*
   OUR SYNCHROBLOG    

Beth, Sheila and I are all writing about our sweet encounter and then hitting the PUBLISH button at the same time, having not the vaguest idea of what the others have penned!  Please come join me as I head over to see what my sister bloggers here and there have cooked up! 

*    Sharing with my sister bloggers Kristen  .  Holley    *

I'd love for you to get every post in your inbox.  You can subscribe right here!

Attentive Companions

There is within each of us a yearning to be heard.  To be known, to be validated, to be understood. 

Good listeners are hard to find.  We're way too busy planning our brilliant, witty responses.  Or juggling our endless mental to-do lists.  We're all about focusing on what's coming next.  Or figuring out how to make a fast exit. 

And the soul in desperate need of an attentive companion silently shrinks back into herself, yet another casualty of our endless self-absorption.

And we wonder why we seem to come up short when it comes to deep relationships, the kindred spirit kind.

*

Henri Nouwen said it best.  'To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations.  True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.

Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond.  Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings.  The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. 

 

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The barometer of your listening savvy?  You are so safe for another that she can feel free to silently rest in the hospitality of your company without the need of words ... or fear of judgement.

 

 

It would make my day if you choose to receive each post in your inbox or RSS feed!  You can do so here.

 

 

 

 

*   visiting with Michelle  .  Beth  .  Kristen  .  Holley   *

Calling All Control Freaks

Tenacious and a bit invasive.  At times, obsessive, perfectionistic, or critical.  Perhaps a tad rigid or demanding.  And yes, since we're talking straight today, disrespectful and obnoxious.

Ouch!

Truth be told, it can be fairly easy for some of us to swoop on in to endlessly control help those we do life with.  Sadly, our best intentions often end up backfiring as we repeatedly interfere in their lives, uninvited, leaving a trail of hurt and frustration in our wake. 

This rescue mentality often occurs because our identity, our value, our esteem is not fully settled in our relationship with our Savior but rather in what we can do for others.

And there's often some deep seated woundedness in the past that lurks deep.  Without even being fully aware of its powerful undertow, we believe the lie that if we can somehow manipulate all that touches us, maybe we can somehow push away that pain that threatens to undo the core of who we are. 

The bottom line is that as much as we yearn to, there are certain things we can't direct.  Rescue.  Manage.  Or fix.  Some of our own circumstances are truly out of our hands.  And just about all of everyone else's stuff is as well, as much as we'd like to think differently. Because there's only One who can step in to turn things upside down, redefine out of control circumstances, and heal souls.

What we CAN do is figure out what's ours to tend to.  Things like ... 

investing our time and energy well

caring for our bodies, minds, and souls with wisdom 

naming and owning our emotions in ways that are healthy

discovering who we need to be to love well 

 

inviting the Spirit to fill us with His fruit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

identifying and using the abilities and calling God has gifted us with

Turns out that's the easy part.

The not so easy?  Choosing to release our control frantic grasping over everything else that buzzes across our radar.  Handing it straight on up to the One who set the majestic heavens in place, who counts the grains of sand on deepest ocean floors, who knows the end from the beginning.  This is tough stuff.  We're so sure that we've got all the answers and want so badly to step in and control save the day.  But only the Redeemer can do that.

Now ... to get out of His way and invite Him to do what He does best.  Comfort.  Convict.  Rescue.  Save.  Because He's the Holy One who touches lives in the most incredible, powerful ways, far beyond what we could ask or imagine.

A Home Defined



More than 4 walls and a roof overhead.

More than a place to hang your hat or put your feet up.

More than a shelter from the storm.

And more than a place for 3 square meals each day.

It's a haven of safety from the demands of life.

 

It's a retreat, a respite, a refuge.

 

Love is found here.  The unconditional kind.

 

Grace is served in heaping quantities.

 

And forgiveness is asked for and received.

 

And it's not just for us 2 to savor.

 

The doors are open for other weary travelers.

 

Because it's a sanctuary, not a fortress.

 

And arms and hearts are open wide in welcome.

 

  

- photo by heyheyLL -

 

31 Days of Awesome Relationships : : Day 9 : : A Pastor's Wife Shares Her Heartache

Back on Day 1, I invited our 31 Day readers to shoot me a quick email with a question about some kind of relationship issue ... a dilemma, a choice, or a challenge sitting right in front of you.  Within hours, this letter found its way to my inbox ...

How do you close one chapter and move onto the next ... not getting bitter and hateful when you get dropped as a friend?

I had a group I thought I was close with ... and I went thru a hard time in my marriage -- and my (youth pastor) hubby had to resign from his job so we could go get help ... My husband and I have gotten to a great place & God has been so good to restore.

Problem is, we are still in town so reminders and old friends are everywhere ... of those, I talk to 2 girls.  That huge group ... just shunned us. That hurt as much as the stuff I was going thru in my marriage.

For a while I was so angry. First at God, but then he showed me that I was so hurt because the church didn't act like the church ... the very people who should have been bearers of grace and compassion and love, weren't.  

I don't want it to still hurt, but it does. I invested and poured out my life for 4 1/2 years into those relationships, and then we had to leave and it's like we never existed or made a difference or were important to anyone.

 

My response ...

 

Thank you, A, for your note.  It sounds like alot has happened in quick order and it's left your heart broken, your head spinning, and your life empty.

 

First of all, I am truly sorry for the challenge that's hit your marriage, and thankful that God has begun to bring hope and healing there.  These difficulties surely have been magnified because your husband is a pastor.  Any choices or decisions that have been made within your marriage have not only affected your family, but impacted your church family as well.

 

That has, most likely, left your friends feel like the rug has pulled out from under them, and left them feeling confused, disappointed, hurt.  They probably aren't quite sure what to do with all these painful emotions.  And yes, the result would be exactly as you've written ... they have pulled away.  They are grieving the loss of their pastor and his wife, their church family as it was, and the warm, safe experience of an intact community.

 

In order for you to go on without bitterness, you must continue to do what you've already started to do ... grieve the lost dream of a picture perfect marriage and the departure of your church family and friends.  While so much of what has occurred has been out of your control, making the choice to refuse to haul this painful stuff around is a pivotal decision that, with God's strength, you have the power to make.  

 

A few things that might help ...

 

1.  Journaling can be a huge tool to help you unpack all the very real emotions that are swirling around right now.  Many of us begin this spiritual discipline when we've just about hit bottom.  This is a great grief, and there's no better Person to walk you through this valley than the Lover of your soul.  Invite God right into the middle of your crisis and name your hurts and the feelings of abandonment so they don't get stuffed down into your soul and begin to form bitter roots that will only lead to bitter fruit {Hebrews 12:15}.  

 

2.  I'd encourage you and your husband to be involved in some ongoing marriage counseling so that you can explore the roots of what led to this situation, and make plans for improved communication in the future.  There might be the need for one or both of you to benefit from individual counseling, as well.

 

3.  You mentioned that you are still in touch with two friends.  See if you are able to re-cultivate those relationships outside the church setting, focusing on all the common interests and enjoyable activities that you've shared together.  Please steer clear of conversation about anything to do with the church, and see if you can foster a new, richer bond.

 

4.  This isn't easy, but it's time to begin to expand your borders and discover some new relationships that will bring you hope, cultivate some hidden potential, or simply get you out of the house.  If you ever wanted to take a class, volunteer, join a book club or Bible study, now's the time.  I'm assuming that you are looking for a new church family.  I trust that God will give you the gracious gift of 'wounded healers' there who will warmly welcome you into a new community.  My prayer is that you will discover those 'bearers of grace and compassion and love' that you so long for.

5.  This final step could be the most powerful in your healing.  Would you commit to praying for your former church family for just 1 minute a day?  Chances are that many of those you poured out your life for are experiencing some of the same emotions that you are.
 

Warmly ~

 

 

 

 

 

P.S.  That Day 1 welcome mat is still out ... feel free to write to me here.

*     *     *

Don't miss the chance to win

a $25 Applebee's gift card or a $10 i-tunes gift card!

Be sure to leave a comment to enter this October 31st giveaway!

Click here for the links to each of the 31 posts.

 

* orange mailbox by VinCross    

 

                                             

Weary of Rescuing?

Fixing   .   Enabling   .   Controlling   

'We rescue anytime we take responsibility for another human being - for that person's thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviors, growth, well-being, problems, or destiny.  We rescue people from their responsibilities ... Later we get mad at them for what we've done.   Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves.  That is the pattern, the triangle.'

- Beattie -

This rather lopsided dance often emerges under the guise of being a 'good' Christian, serving others 'wholeheartedly,' or being a people helper {professional or otherwise}.  In our efforts to be of assistance, the end result becomes exactly the opposite of what we set out to do.  Slowly but surely, our intent boomerangs back right at us as we render people powerless.  Make them more dependent on us.   Encourage them to sit back and wait to be rescued/fixed/assisted.  They end up enjoying the ride while we shoulder the load.

We seethe.  We feel victimized.  We become martyrs.      

The Apostle Paul speaks to this in Galatians 6:2-5.  In verse 2, the word for 'burdens' means a heavy load, like a big old unwieldy trunk.   Yes, we are called to bear each others' burdens during times of crisis, when brothers and sisters come together to hoist us up, lend a hand, get us over the bump in the road.

In verse 5, the word 'load' connotes a knapsack or a backpack.  Something that's manageable.  When it comes to the daily grind, we are to be responsible for dealing with our own stuff.

Beattie presents a few rescuing scenarios for us to consider ... I've added my 2 cents in italics:

=  Doing something we really don't want to do.

If we can't lend a hand with joy, we might want to rethink our motives.  We're called to give what we've decided in our hearts to give, and to do it 'not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver' {2 Corinthians 9:7}.

=  Doing something for someone although that person is capable of and should be doing it for himself.

We do no special favors in enabling someone to sit around and be waited on hand and foot.  Doing so removes the sense of responsibility for caring for ourselves that is healthy, and hugely limits the development of any motivation to aim toward achievement and success.

=  Doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested.

After Jesus touched someone's life, He sent them on their way with tasks to complete or changes to enact.  His work was done.  The one blessed to have His assistance was released to move ahead and take responsibility for their future choices.

=  Doing people's thinking for them.

God has given us each the power to use our brains, unless there is some mental disability present.  Don't presume to steal that right, that obligation, and that freedom from someone else.

So if you're taken on the mantle of the martyr, or you're filled with resentment or bitterness or a feeling of uneasiness toward another, you might want to see if you have morphed into a rescuer.  And decide where you want to go from there ...

'Cause in the end, who needs the crazy-making frustrations of futile, never ending attempts at people-pleasing?  It's just gotta be about making it 'our goal to please Him' {2 Corinthians 5:9}.   

- life saver by Thom Watson -

It's a Haven, Not a Fortress

Gotta admit I was a bit intrigued when I came across the invitation to consider some Home Goals over at nesting place last week.  I've done quite a few posts on dealing with clutter and homekeeping along the way, but to me this challenge goes beyond that.  It's actually quite personal.

I've been mulling this whole idea over since then.  And these 3 goals have evolved.  I'm heading toward keeping them in the months ahead.  {And I think it's safe to say that my husband's on board!}

1.  NO EXCUSES

Our first home was right in the middle of the action.  It was small.  And we didn't care.  A week never went by without someone stopping in at some point - for coffee, soup, ice skating on the pond in the woods, a party, or after church on Sunday nights.  We had lots of friends and we loved having them over.

Along the way we chose to move way out in the middle of nowhere.  And subconsciously I began to make excuses why people wouldn't want to drop by.  "It's too far."  "It's out of the way for them."  "They won't want to use all their gas to come up and back."

And slowly but surely we stopped inviting people to spend time with us in our home. 

Sooner or later, I realized that if we asked them, they came.  Gratefully.  Oh, a few had reasons they couldn't come that seemed a bit lame.  But the point is that I stopped looking for excuses not to extend the invite.

Here's where we live.  And we'd love to have you come over for dessert.  An open house.  Dinner.  Brunch.  A meeting.  The weekend.

And it works.  And I want to do more of it this year.

2.  IT'S A HAVEN, NOT A FORTRESS

About the time we moved way out in the middle of nowhere, I headed off to work and then back to school.  Many of the old friends had moved away.  We changed churches.  The girls were soon off to college, and I was busy heading into the next season of life.  I became stretched, stimulated, exhausted, and focused on homework/papers/projects/endless commuting.  Home became a quiet place, an escape away from the demands from the outside world. 

Drop-ins and invited guests dwindled to a trickle.  I loved the peace-filled, tranquil haven we had created, and even more so after the demands of ministry and counseling became a part of my life.  The boundaries I set were helpful, but they were too rigid.  The house became a fortress, keeping me safe from the craziness of life.

And we slowly became just a bit isolated ... kind of like a couple of hermits.  Things got a little lonely sometimes, even though my husband and I enjoy each other's company.  We'd reminisce about back-in-the-day when we had all those friends to share life with. 

Now we're making choices to share the restful haven that's evolved over the years with others.

3.  IT'S ABOUT HOSPITALITY, NOT SHOWMANSHIP

We invite you here because we care about you and we enjoy your company.  Trust me, I'm fairly sure there's no way you'll be impressed with my culinary skills.  Or my possessions {most have come from garage sales or someone's attic along the way}.  And yes, there's a reason why the candles are lit - don't look at the dust!  Don't check out the kitchen floors!

We just don't care about those things.  We extend an invitation simply because we want to enjoy your companionship.  And think that maybe we can bless each other in some way.

Because in the end it's all about relationships.  Listening, loving, and serving each other well.

Oops ... gotta run.  Company's coming for dinner ... and I think something's burning in the oven!

Linda