For When Father's Day Breaks Your Heart

Dear Downcast Soul ~

I don't know who you are.  But I felt the need to write to you this weekend.  For I know that June presents a really tough holiday for you.

Truth be told, your father wasn't a messenger of love or kindness.  Along the way you were made to feel like you were never enough.  Or just too much.  You were not cherished in the ways your little heart longed for.  And you weren't cuddled in arms that were safe and secure.

I grieve with you that you weren't loved well, that you were neglected, abandoned, unprotected.  And all I can do is pray that the holy messenger from above will come down and be the daddy you never had.  That He would comfort you with the greatest gentleness and that you would experience safety under His wings.  I pray that you'll begin to grasp how deep and high and wide is His love for you.  And that His healing touch would mend your wounded heart with hope and peace.

For He loves you so ...

Calling All Control Freaks

Tenacious and a bit invasive.  At times, obsessive, perfectionistic, or critical.  Perhaps a tad rigid or demanding.  And yes, since we're talking straight today, disrespectful and obnoxious.

Ouch!

Truth be told, it can be fairly easy for some of us to swoop on in to endlessly control help those we do life with.  Sadly, our best intentions often end up backfiring as we repeatedly interfere in their lives, uninvited, leaving a trail of hurt and frustration in our wake. 

This rescue mentality often occurs because our identity, our value, our esteem is not fully settled in our relationship with our Savior but rather in what we can do for others.

And there's often some deep seated woundedness in the past that lurks deep.  Without even being fully aware of its powerful undertow, we believe the lie that if we can somehow manipulate all that touches us, maybe we can somehow push away that pain that threatens to undo the core of who we are. 

The bottom line is that as much as we yearn to, there are certain things we can't direct.  Rescue.  Manage.  Or fix.  Some of our own circumstances are truly out of our hands.  And just about all of everyone else's stuff is as well, as much as we'd like to think differently. Because there's only One who can step in to turn things upside down, redefine out of control circumstances, and heal souls.

What we CAN do is figure out what's ours to tend to.  Things like ... 

investing our time and energy well

caring for our bodies, minds, and souls with wisdom 

naming and owning our emotions in ways that are healthy

discovering who we need to be to love well 

 

inviting the Spirit to fill us with His fruit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

identifying and using the abilities and calling God has gifted us with

Turns out that's the easy part.

The not so easy?  Choosing to release our control frantic grasping over everything else that buzzes across our radar.  Handing it straight on up to the One who set the majestic heavens in place, who counts the grains of sand on deepest ocean floors, who knows the end from the beginning.  This is tough stuff.  We're so sure that we've got all the answers and want so badly to step in and control save the day.  But only the Redeemer can do that.

Now ... to get out of His way and invite Him to do what He does best.  Comfort.  Convict.  Rescue.  Save.  Because He's the Holy One who touches lives in the most incredible, powerful ways, far beyond what we could ask or imagine.

A Very Tiny Smile

I read somewhere recently about the power of just a bit of a smile.  Not one of those big ol' goofy, toothy grins.  Nor one of those phony masks we so quickly don to protect ourselves from what others might see if they looked too closely.  No, none of that.  This choice is just a simple moment in solitude when we will ourselves to turn the edge of our mouths upward.

Most particularly, when we are on edge.  Or bone-weary.  Concerned.  Fear-filled.  Or laboring in prayer.

And as we choose to lift the edge of our mouths upwards, because of the way our Creator has designed us, I'm guessing, we begin to take ourselves just a tad less seriously.  The heavy burden we're carrying seems to ease a bit.  Life's exhausting challenges come into a more balanced focus.  The load we labor with begins to be lifted from our feeble shoulders.  Perspective shifts.

This is a healing gift we give ourselves that costs not a dime.  And low and behold, it can become an act of worship, a sacrifice of praise that reflects a child-like trust in our Savior.  An enlivening acknowledgement that He holds this world with all its heartache in His powerful hands.  That He knows the end from the beginning.  And that when all is said and done, He does all things well.

Do let me know if this works for you.  Ok?

 

*  a hammock self-portrait, September 2012.  not particularly attractive, but brave, yes?

* *  smiling with  Laura  .  Jen   .   Courtney  .  Emily

Farewell to the Guilt Trips

We can become tragically lost in all that we've been.  And said.  And done. 

Constantly looking over our shoulder at our junk strewn behind us like dead carcasses along a desert path, we dwell with our sad litany of screw ups, sins, and mistakes.  And left untended, their ugly stench ends up owning us, possessing us, and shaping our view of ourselves. 

Instead of being convicted by the Spirit and making the choice to ask for forgiveness, doing a 180 and moving ahead, we can become achingly self-absorbed in our failures, slowly but surely defining ourselves by how 'bad' we are. 

These lies abound, and take on whatever form pushes your buttons.  The old tapes relentlessly play in heart and mind, the enemy of our souls using them to beat us up and send us on guilt trips that never end, that lead nowhere, that leave us in a pile on the corner.  'You are such a loser,' he hisses in the ugliest of tones.  'God will never use you.  You're never enough, you're too much, you're a mistake, a disaster.'  On and on he goes and we become paralyzed, allowing the horrific burden of guilt and shame to define us.

It's high time we call his whispers what they are. 

Lies. 

You know you're yearning to abandon those worn out tapes that do nothing but mar the beauty of who you are in Jesus.  John 10:10 tells us that the enemy is a destroyer, a killer, a thief stealing what is not his to own.

Your soul.  

The truth is that the Holy Spirit has only our best interests in mind.  He clearly convicts us of specific sin, guides us into all truth, and gently, lovingly restores us to a richer life of freedom, joy, and effective service.

Like Jesus did for Peter.

He longs for us to be defined not by endless recitals of failure, but by the fruit of Himself - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control {Galatians 5:22-23}. 

This is the time, this is the place to say adios to the incessant guilt trips, and leave the saga of our burdensome shame behind us.  And claim who we are in Christ, moving on to be who He has designed us to be.

Truth be told, we've wasted enough time looking in the rear view mirror and wallowing in the pain of it all ...

The Control Freak's Marriage

Marriage and the control freak.

Often in the guise of caretaker or head of the family, this is the spouse "who is always correcting the other's pronunciation, behavior, manners, posture, meal preparation, driving patterns ...

The caretaker's goal (whether conscious or unconscious) is usually to maintain his or her power in the relationship.  As long as he/she can keep the spouse in the one-down position of child, he/she can be the 'parent in charge.' 

Sure, it's hard work always to be in charge, but for the caretaker it beats the alternative of never being able to predict exactly what will happen and thus feeling totally out of control."
- Carder in TORN ASUNDER

In the end, it's not about the spouse's pronunciation, behavior, manners, posture, meal preparation, or driving patterns. 

It's about the control freak. 

And their attempts to manage their own emotional pain, unmet needs, and searing childhood memories. 

Never knowing what would happen next, these wounded folk often grew up in families defined by unpredictable chaos.  A loving authority figure was often absent - or frighteningly emotionally unavailable.  Without faithful nurturing and care, they were left to fend for themselves, either physically or emotionally.

The legacy? 

Fear.  Low self-esteem.  Powerlessness.   

As adults, they wear themselves out, desperately try to control everybody and everything around them in order to calm the storm of angry uncertainty that continues to rage inside.  In their frantic, often unacknowledged efforts to predict what will happen next, they have donned a mantle of power that results in deep frustration and unending pain in the lives of those they so overwhelmingly try to manipulate. 

The result? 

The fabric of mutual trust and loving partnership that should define their marriage is slowly but surely destroyed.

These relational and emotional issues beg to be tended to.  And there's a huge spiritual component, too. 

Because Christ longs to bring healing to your chaotic childhood.  Healing that will change who you are today - as an individual and as a spouse. 

And as you begin to learn to trust Him to meet those very valid needs that define who you are, that were sadly untended to during those early years, the Holy Spirit begins to gain control. In a beautiful, loving, gracious way {Galatians 5}. 

Isn't it time to lay this exhausting burden down?
Linda

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest'"
- Matthew 11:28 (NLT).