Adios to Rescuing, Fixing, Saving

The subject of boundaries is a substantial, ongoing thread woven through many counseling conversations.  Counselors assist people in figuring out what boundaries look like and why a boundaried lifestyle works.  We sort through the damage done when clear boundaries haven't been set up or when they've been violated.  And we work together to move into the future with a truer sense of what healthy emotional {and sometimes physical} perimeters look like.

I'm sharing some notes from a recent read-through of Melody Beattie's classic Beyond Codependency.   And no, this is not just another self-help book for adult children of alcoholics or fans of the recovery movement.  It's for any who struggle with the propensity to be so involved with the lives of others that they leave their own self-care and common sense behind.  This includes people helpers of every stripe and those who spend their days absorbed in the endless compulsion to rescue, fix, or save everyone who comes along their path. 

This rescue mentality often occurs because our identity, our value, our esteem is not fully settled in our relationship with our Savior, but rather in what we can do for others. 

Let me put it this way.  I've met alot of codependent people who love Jesus. 

Loving our neighbor as ourselves {Mark 12:30-31} implies that there should be some level of regard and care for our own souls before we can model something healthy and whole for those we rub shoulders with.   The key is loving God first.  With everything we've got.  Out of that healthy allegiance comes the ability and desire to love and care for ourselves, in all the ways that matter most - body, spirit, mind, emotions.  And then modeling something compellingly life-giving to those around us as we share His love and grace.

And allowing people the freedom to make their own choices, own their own feelings, live their own lives.

Because God alone is the one who rescues.  Fixes.   Saves. 

Not us.

My notes ...

* setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or who we're with

* boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve

* boundaries emerge from the belief that what we want and need, like and dislike is important

* boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and be ourselves

* boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves

* when we identify we need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible

* we cannot simultaneously set a boundary (a limit) and take care of another person's feelings

* we'll probably feel ashamed and afraid when we set boundaries

* anger, rage, complaining, and whining are clues to boundaries we need to set

* we'll be tested when we set boundaries

* be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries

* some people are happy to respect our boundaries

* we'll set boundaries when we're ready, and not a minute sooner

* a support system can be helpful as we strive to establish and enforce boundaries

I hope this provides a bit of helpful food for thought ~

^ highlighters by Numan Q.



Weary of Rescuing?

Fixing   .   Enabling   .   Controlling   

'We rescue anytime we take responsibility for another human being - for that person's thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviors, growth, well-being, problems, or destiny.  We rescue people from their responsibilities ... Later we get mad at them for what we've done.   Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves.  That is the pattern, the triangle.'

- Beattie -

This rather lopsided dance often emerges under the guise of being a 'good' Christian, serving others 'wholeheartedly,' or being a people helper {professional or otherwise}.  In our efforts to be of assistance, the end result becomes exactly the opposite of what we set out to do.  Slowly but surely, our intent boomerangs back right at us as we render people powerless.  Make them more dependent on us.   Encourage them to sit back and wait to be rescued/fixed/assisted.  They end up enjoying the ride while we shoulder the load.

We seethe.  We feel victimized.  We become martyrs.      

The Apostle Paul speaks to this in Galatians 6:2-5.  In verse 2, the word for 'burdens' means a heavy load, like a big old unwieldy trunk.   Yes, we are called to bear each others' burdens during times of crisis, when brothers and sisters come together to hoist us up, lend a hand, get us over the bump in the road.

In verse 5, the word 'load' connotes a knapsack or a backpack.  Something that's manageable.  When it comes to the daily grind, we are to be responsible for dealing with our own stuff.

Beattie presents a few rescuing scenarios for us to consider ... I've added my 2 cents in italics:

=  Doing something we really don't want to do.

If we can't lend a hand with joy, we might want to rethink our motives.  We're called to give what we've decided in our hearts to give, and to do it 'not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver' {2 Corinthians 9:7}.

=  Doing something for someone although that person is capable of and should be doing it for himself.

We do no special favors in enabling someone to sit around and be waited on hand and foot.  Doing so removes the sense of responsibility for caring for ourselves that is healthy, and hugely limits the development of any motivation to aim toward achievement and success.

=  Doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested.

After Jesus touched someone's life, He sent them on their way with tasks to complete or changes to enact.  His work was done.  The one blessed to have His assistance was released to move ahead and take responsibility for their future choices.

=  Doing people's thinking for them.

God has given us each the power to use our brains, unless there is some mental disability present.  Don't presume to steal that right, that obligation, and that freedom from someone else.

So if you're taken on the mantle of the martyr, or you're filled with resentment or bitterness or a feeling of uneasiness toward another, you might want to see if you have morphed into a rescuer.  And decide where you want to go from there ...

'Cause in the end, who needs the crazy-making frustrations of futile, never ending attempts at people-pleasing?  It's just gotta be about making it 'our goal to please Him' {2 Corinthians 5:9}.   

- life saver by Thom Watson -

7 Steps to Conquer Compassion Fatigue

Christian Fatigue Syndrome.  Ministry Burnout.  Exhaustion at every level of our beings.  From being deeply present.  Serving non-stop.  Giving endlessly.  Pouring out ... til there's nothing left except the dregs at the bottom of the well. 

Result? 

A sense of numbness slowly creeps into body, mind, and soul.  Joy, passion, zeal, and purpose fade to a distant memory.

In the Volume 18, No. 1 issue of Christian Counseling Today Magazine, counselor and consultant Eric Scalise observes, "Caregivers and ministry leaders are not only susceptible to increased levels of stress ... when combined with a call to love and serve others, the result is what is commonly referred to as compassion fatigue. 

Compassion fatigue can be understood as a comprehensive exhaustion that takes place over time when one is constantly in the 'giving' position and, as a result, loses his/her ability and motivation to experience joy, satisfaction, or feel and care for others. 

It is sometimes referred to as secondary or vicarious traumatic stress associated with the emotional residue related to the cause of caring.  The traumatic event or crisis did not happen to you directly, but you were close enough to those it did impact that its detrimental effects can still have a causal outcome."

Pastor.  Ministry Leader.  People Helper.  Counselor.

If you're emotionally/physically/mentally/spiritually depleted, you KNOW you've got to get out of that terrifying place.  These guidelines may be helpful as you begin to make choices that will re-fill your well:

- CLARIFY YOUR CALL
Enthusiastic, energetic service can sometimes morph into a 24/7 deal where we mistakenly believe that we must be all things to all people at all times.  If that "messiah complex" has crept in, reflect on your initial calling and review your current job description.  Chances are you are going way over and above the demands of duty.

- ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES
Boundryless people helpers seem unable to say "no."  Do we fear being unloved or unappreciated?  Have we become people pleasers?  Do we fear losing our position or sense of identity?  Begin to understand what drives and motivates you.  Fear is a harsh task-master.

- FIND A SUPPORT TEAM
Healthy people helpers pro-actively build a supportive team around them - a regularly scheduled gathering of other like-minded souls.  God can use that in-person, over the phone, or online group as a huge lifeline in our lives.  We need to be in community with others who will be present for us as we debrief, ask us the difficult questions, share helpful resources, laugh and cry with us, and offer much-needed prayer support.

- EMBRACE YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS
Begin to re-create focused time with those you love.  Chances are they've been missing you.

- CUT WAY BACK ON YOUR USE OF TECHNOLOGY
Our society has created a culture where we are always on, always available.  For many, there has become an obsessive compulsiveness to our use of screens.  There is no rest for our minds, leaving us with no space just to be still.  It's time to recognize if this has become a problem.

- TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY
Recognize the signs of stress in your body.  See the doctor for a complete checkup.  Take some vitamins.  Cut way back on grazing on that convenient junk food and begin to drink 6-8 glasses of water a day.  Get some additional sleep.  Get outdoors and begin to walk or bike or run.

- TEND TO YOUR SOUL
Times of silence and solitude with God need to become prioritized appointments on our calendars.   The Lover of our souls is the One who's promised to fully restore us {Psalm 23}, and equips us to make decisions that will enable us to "make it our goal to please Him" {2 Corinthians 5:9}.

Running the marathon with you ~
Linda 

- picture by Klaus M -