Honoring My Clients As I Close Up Shop

Truth be told, these have been rough weeks at the counseling office.  Tears have been shed, kind and tender tributes have been offered back and forth and back again.  Together, some clients and I have mapped out plans to continue our work over the phone and Skype after a bit of a break, while a few have been referred to other counselors.

And then there are those who are ready to take wings and soar.

On reflection, I'd say we've finished well.  And while it's fair to say that most of them are not exactly ecstatic about my leaving, I think they'd agree that we have worked hard at bringing this season of life together to a most satisfactory conclusion that has honored Christ.

Even if tears flowed freely from time to time with no embarrassment or shame.  From clients and counselor alike.

So instead of focusing on the now empty shelves in a half bare room and my very mixed feelings about this most difficult of transitions, I want to bring tribute to these incredible women of valor.  I hope that by the time you're done reading these words, you'll know why I'm passionate about what I do ... and why it's so hard to leave this place.

:::

no one's immune from sitting in the counseling office

I've talked with clients from 14 - 84.  They've come from endless, fascinating cultures with the broadest array of experiences, challenges, and pain.  But no matter where they find themselves or how they spend their days or how much cash they've got in their pockets, whether they're people full of faith or those who shake their fist in God's face ... when all is said and done, life happens.  And absolutely no one is immune from emotional trauma, grief, unexpected events, family crises, or serious illness that can pull the rug right out from under us.    

it takes courage to come to counseling ... and to keep on coming

Let me put to rest the myth that people who go to counseling are weak.  It takes an inordinate amount of strength to admit you need to talk with a professional.  Tenacity to find the perfect fit with the counselor who has the proper training to match your needs ... and a true connection to your soul.  And raw faith and endless trust to allow that counselor to lead you through your stuff, week in and week out, so that you come out on the other end so much better than when you started.  

every wounded soul needs a healing team 

While counseling conversations are 1-1 and confidential, healing doesn't come in a vacuum.  Together, counselor and client create a healing team that comes alongside as she moves through the tough times.  Safe, caring family members and friends, experienced medical and legal professionals, ongoing support groups, effective community services, church resources, and online help all come into play.  We don't heal on our own.  We were created for community.

counseling's not a 1 hour a week deal  

A motivated client is not content with 1 hour of work a week.  An emphasis on caring for her body through healthy eating, exercise, rest, and a new work/life balance are all on the table.  Consulting with her doctor, taking needed medication as prescribed, and creating a space to meet with God on a regular basis are vital steps in moving ahead.  Those who follow up on assigned reading and journaling, who begin to set up wise boundaries and take concrete steps to reach their goals ... these are the ones who mend, who grow, who heal.

wounded healers emerge from painful places

God doesn't bring healing so we can simply wander off and put our feet up and be happy.  The goal is always to take the lessons learned and the strength and wisdom gathered to bring something of beautiful, healing substance to others.  To be so restored and so grateful and so wise that grace and hope can be offered to others who are broken ... that is when the client knows she's come full circle.

:::

I honor you today, all who've invited me to sit and be present with you in the stark reality of your pain.  To leave no stone gently unturned as we've walked slowly but surely through the dark and scary places into the healing light and freedom that comes through Christ.  To banish the lies that have hindered, to discover the power of forgiveness, and embrace new ways of looking at life and relating to others well.  And ultimately, to claim the joyous potential of inviting our Redeemer to restore 'the years the locusts have eaten' {Joel 2:25}.  

Thank you for allowing me to champion your healing, pray you through each setback, speak the hard truth in love, and celebrate your victories.  When all is said and done, God is faithful and He is good.  

Anticipating what He has in store for us all ~

:::

THE TRANSITION JOURNEY ~ AN UNEXPECTED SERIES

In Which This Is All So Very Bittersweet

Dear Linda  : :  Answering Your Questions About the Transition

For Sale . . . Our Much-Loved Haven

The Getting-the-House-Ready-to-Sell Whirlwind

Leaning in the Whirlwind

The Sheer Joy of Kindred Spirit Companionship

Honoring My Clients As I Close Up Shop

3 Things I Loved Most About House Church

Choosing Light-Hearted Responses

Moving On

:::

adapted

sharing with Kelly  .  Jennifer  .  Holley  .  Lyli

6 Graces . . . for when we are our own harshest taskmasters

Sometimes we're just too hard on ourselves, ya' know?  If we can't blast into full throttle mode on any given task, we just throw up our hands, wander off, and do nothing at all.  

Maybe sulk in the corner.  

Pout.  

Or have a bit of a pity party.

Half-truths and downright lies about who we are whisper their familiar refrain somewhere deep.  The enemy of our soul's an excellent marksman, his poisoned arrows piercing right where it hurts most.  After awhile we define ourselves by our imperfections and flaws, screw-ups and sins, with a list of coulda / woulda / shoulda's draping themselves around our defeated shoulders like a heavy, immobilizing wet blanket.  

Slowly but surely, we feel 'less than.'  

Or like we're never enough.   

We begin to define ourselves by what we don't accomplish instead of who we are in Jesus Christ.  And after awhile, when life throws us even the simplest of curve balls we throw up our hands in defeat instead of figuring out what a Plan B grace might look like.

What grace responses can we choose?

6 scenarios

&

some options we can choose

&

some helpful, practical links to take us there

1.   The house desperately needs a heavy-duty spring cleaning, just like grandma used to do.  Windows, curtains, linens, shelves, floors, every nook and cranny stripped bare and scrubbed to a spotless shine.  Any less just won't do.  It's all just too much to even comprehend.

Exhausted at the prospect, we drag ourselves half-heartedly through a few tasks before deciding to call it quits for yet another season.

OR a Plan B Grace Response . . .

Not up for an all-out cleaning frenzy, we choose to crank up the music, set the timer, and do a bit of a spruce up for 15 minutes.  Amazed at what we've accomplished, we decide to do it again in a couple of days!  

Here's how to turn your house upside down in 15 minutes. 

2.   Walking at least 2 miles every day is on the unspoken yet rigid agenda.  It's sprinkling out and we'll get soaking wet if we venture that far.

Playing the martyr just a bit, we stay in and figure we'll head out some day when it's not too cloudy or wet or windy or cold or muggy.

OR a Plan B Grace Response . . .

We choose to pull the sweatshirt hood over our heads, shrug off the raindrops, and head out for just a short hike instead.  We return home surprised that it wasn't so bad after all!

Here's why lacing 'em up is a super idea.

3.   Self-appointed experts or some kind of internal blog police strongly urge a great big online masterpiece penned each week.  But we're swamped or life is going in a new direction or the creative well is bone dry.

Frustrated at these expectations, we force ourselves to write anyway ... and our words end up lifeless and dead.

OR a Plan B Grace Response . . . 

We choose to pick up our pens when we're really excited about what we have to say!

Here's 4 cool steps to get those creative juices flowing again.

4.   We've finally started on a great big diet, and we've committed ourselves to lose 10 pounds.  But then someone offers us a few goodies straight from the oven, and we end up gorging ourselves..

Disgusted, we throw in the towel and grab another handful.  The diet wasn't working anyway.

OR a Plan B Grace Response . . .

We choose to encourage ourselves to eliminate that restrictive word 'diet' from our vocabulary.  And then switch gears and begin to eat healthy once again!

Here's some good food that'll take us there.

5.   We believe that we must spend at least an hour each morning having devotions or we're bad Christians.  When we can't live up to that standard, regular devotional times soon become a vague memory.

Guilt-ridden but not necessarily convicted, we're sure God's mad at us.

OR a Plan B Grace Response . . .

We choose to consider a devotional time to be an invitation from God's loving heart, not a strict discipline that hangs over our heads like an ominous sword!

It's all about a joyful connecting with the Lover of your soul.

6.   The dining table has become a convenient place to stack piles of random stuff because it's been eons since we invited guests over for a meal.  We feel disconnected and wonder why no one's giving us a call.

Hurt, we figure no one would want to come over anyway.

OR a Plan B Grace Response . . .

Feeling a bit lonesome, we choose to call a friend and meet at Panera's for afternoon coffee in the comfy red chairs by the window!

Here's 3 steps to morph your home into a haven of hospitality.

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We've been called to love our neighbors as ourselves.

If we can't cut ourselves a break, if we refuse to ratchet down our endless, often unrealistic expectations, how can we expect to show grace to others?

May we be able to look in the mirror and allow the Lord to lavish that deeply needed grace to the precious soul who stares back at us.

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Connecting with Kelly  .  Mary  .  Holley  .  Lyli

Bye-Bye Anxiety



My counseling clients know the routine.  This is how we start our one hour conversations together.  We rest our heads back in the comfy chairs.  Close our eyes, drop our shoulders.  Unclench our fists and lay our hands gently in our laps.

I teach these lovely hard-working ladies how to breathe in through their noses to the count of seven, hold it to the count of seven, and then blow all the air out of their lungs like air out of a balloon to the count of ten.

We do it a few times 'til she calms, stills, quiets all that churns within.

We relax.

Simply put, we exhale. 

And when you do this little exercise for a minute or two, you're probably going to begin to release the anxiety that's built up deep and way too strong.

Go ahead.  Try it!

Breathe in, 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7.

 

Hold it, 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7.

 

Release it all out like air out of a balloon, 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10.

This little breathing gem does wonders when you wake up in the morning before your feet hit the floor.  Or at night when sleep is hard to come by.  Or outside swinging high, higher, highest into the bright blue sky.  And feel free to do this behind the wheel of your car ... just be sure to keep your eyes open, ok?

It's a wonderful way to begin a time of prayer.  Letting all the burdens go ... and talking to our Creator, the One who formed and shaped us to breathe deep, to live anxiety-free, to celebrate a life rich and full and graced with peace.

P.S.  As a pastoral counselor, I take the issue of anxiety very seriously.  Christians are prone to think this is simply a spiritual issue and spend precious energy beating themselves up over this plague.  Ongoing, intense anxiety has strong physical and emotional components that need to be addressed.  If this is true for you, friend, I encourage you to talk with your doctor and seek help from a wise counselor.

> sharing freedom with Lisa- Jo  *  Kristen  *  Holley

Calling All Control Freaks

Tenacious and a bit invasive.  At times, obsessive, perfectionistic, or critical.  Perhaps a tad rigid or demanding.  And yes, since we're talking straight today, disrespectful and obnoxious.

Ouch!

Truth be told, it can be fairly easy for some of us to swoop on in to endlessly control help those we do life with.  Sadly, our best intentions often end up backfiring as we repeatedly interfere in their lives, uninvited, leaving a trail of hurt and frustration in our wake. 

This rescue mentality often occurs because our identity, our value, our esteem is not fully settled in our relationship with our Savior but rather in what we can do for others.

And there's often some deep seated woundedness in the past that lurks deep.  Without even being fully aware of its powerful undertow, we believe the lie that if we can somehow manipulate all that touches us, maybe we can somehow push away that pain that threatens to undo the core of who we are. 

The bottom line is that as much as we yearn to, there are certain things we can't direct.  Rescue.  Manage.  Or fix.  Some of our own circumstances are truly out of our hands.  And just about all of everyone else's stuff is as well, as much as we'd like to think differently. Because there's only One who can step in to turn things upside down, redefine out of control circumstances, and heal souls.

What we CAN do is figure out what's ours to tend to.  Things like ... 

investing our time and energy well

caring for our bodies, minds, and souls with wisdom 

naming and owning our emotions in ways that are healthy

discovering who we need to be to love well 

 

inviting the Spirit to fill us with His fruit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

identifying and using the abilities and calling God has gifted us with

Turns out that's the easy part.

The not so easy?  Choosing to release our control frantic grasping over everything else that buzzes across our radar.  Handing it straight on up to the One who set the majestic heavens in place, who counts the grains of sand on deepest ocean floors, who knows the end from the beginning.  This is tough stuff.  We're so sure that we've got all the answers and want so badly to step in and control save the day.  But only the Redeemer can do that.

Now ... to get out of His way and invite Him to do what He does best.  Comfort.  Convict.  Rescue.  Save.  Because He's the Holy One who touches lives in the most incredible, powerful ways, far beyond what we could ask or imagine.

The Professional Office ~ 7 Nuts & Bolts

 

No two ways about it, I am blessed with the most wonderful office space! 

Thanks to the generosity of Bob and Dot Eckler in whose home Creekside Ministries resides, I enjoy floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking a bubbling fountain, always-busy bird feeders, and a rolling green hill that leads down to the Wappingers Creek.  {Hence, our name!}  A wall of shelves houses books, collectibles that make me smile, and framed photos.  Comfy gliders and a few other pieces of furniture fill this space and a gorgeous handcrafted quilt resides on the wall.  I've worked hard over the years to design a pastoral counseling office that's warmly personal, quiet, and relaxing.

For my clients.  For me. 

Yet for the life of me, I can't remember reading anything about de-cluttering and organizing professional office spaces.  And yet, this room's components are important because it's not all about me.  It's about how people feel and what they experience when stepping foot through that door.  Is it a serene and welcoming space, free of clutter and piles and junk?  After all, many who enter are already carrying enough stuff in hearts and minds.  They don't need be visually overwhelmed or assaulted, they need to feel safe and be soothed as they settle in for an appointment.

Not long ago I penned a few paragraphs {in all of about 300 seconds!} on reorganizing the counseling office.  Here's a 7 nuts and bolts follow up:

1.   BOOKS
I love books.  And for a long time I saved every book I ever bought, ever received, ever stumbled upon.  The feel of them in my hands, the smell of them, the hours savored with them.   Everything about them spoke comfort, knowledge, nurturance, enjoyment to me.

But you know ... enough can be enough.  Over time the shelves got jam packed and when I actually stopped long enough to really see what was all there, I knew they didn't need to be all there anymore.  So ... good-bye to volumes I've never opened that hold no interest to me now.  Farewell to books and professional journals that I did read that I wouldn't bother looking at again, and to volumes back from 20, 30 years ago that I bought for school or have long run their course.  Bagged, shared, donated, sold.  They are going, going, gone.

2.   NOTEBOOKS

These big ol' metal-ringed binders are books' cumbersome cousins.  And I had accumulated stacks of these space gobblers from every class I ever took, every conference I ever attended, every seminar I ever sat through.  Did keeping all these three-ringed babies somehow make me feel smarter or more accomplished?  Or did I feel guilty giving them the heave-ho since they represented so much money and time invested in education? 

Doesn't matter.  I pulled out the info that was worth saving {surprisingly little}, and threw the rest in a huge garbage bag which I hauled out the door with great glee. 

3.   CLIPPINGS & BROCHURES 
For a long time, I clipped every magazine/journal/newspaper article and grabbed every brochure I ever came across that was remotely related to counseling, coaching, ministry, or leadership.  I had quite the file drawer filled with what was probably very worthwhile material at one point.  Problem was that I seldom if ever went back and glanced at them a second time.

Fast forward to 2013.  Everything I need is online.  Period.  These files are all heading out the door, one manila five tab at a time.  I'll never miss them.  And I'm gaining another file drawer in the process.

4.   EMBRACING TECHNOLOGY
We're using DVDs now and all kinds of techno stuff online.  The VCR tapes are history and are out of there.  When it comes to soul-soothing background music, Pandora has saved the day.  The CD player is long gone and the stacks of old CDs are headed out the door to be donated or sold.

5.   A VANILLA CANDLE
Unless it's just plain too hot, a candle faithfully burns on the coffee table in front of our chairs. The scent speaks nurturance and comfort.  The flame is symbolic of the Holy Spirit's presence and activity during these pastoral counseling sessions. 

6.   PLANTS
Beautiful green plants and lovely flowers speak of vibrant life and healthy growth.  If something in the pot has lost it's vigor and bloom, in the trash it goes.

7.  THE SHREDDER
What can I say?  A good paper shredder is one of an office's best friends.

This all works for me.  And based on what my clients tell me, it's a space that's working for them. 

 

 

 

31 Days of Awesome Relationships : : Day 5 : : Welcome to Creekside

'Welcome back!'  My voice rings strong, my words are true as a familiar face comes through the door.  My heart is smiling and I know that the joy I feel in seeing a client entering the Creekside door is evident on my face.

Because the counseling relationship is all about acceptance.  Safety.  Validation.  Grace.  Healing.  Lifechange.  Growth.  At this quiet, peace-filled place, where a rolling green lawn leads down to the gently flowing Wappingers Creek.  Flowers bloom, planted by generous hands.  A fountain flows, the sound of water soothes.  Benches line the patio outside the entrance.

The weary, the worn, the brokenhearted, the grieving - this place has been set aside for you to come and be authentically who you are.  To weep, to process, to reflect, to work through the pain you've stuffed forever.  We work hard at being present for you, letting you know that you matter, that we care.  And that there is hope because of Jesus.

Because He, too, wept.  And He truly gets your sorrow, your desperation, your feelings of abandonment.  And longs to see your broken spirit revived and healed.

*  *  *

 

Don't forget the October 31st giveaway of a $25 Applebee's gift card and a $10 i-tunes gift card!

Leave a comment to enter!

Click here for the links to each of the 31 posts.

 

 

 

Adios to Rescuing, Fixing, Saving

The subject of boundaries is a substantial, ongoing thread woven through many counseling conversations.  Counselors assist people in figuring out what boundaries look like and why a boundaried lifestyle works.  We sort through the damage done when clear boundaries haven't been set up or when they've been violated.  And we work together to move into the future with a truer sense of what healthy emotional {and sometimes physical} perimeters look like.

I'm sharing some notes from a recent read-through of Melody Beattie's classic Beyond Codependency.   And no, this is not just another self-help book for adult children of alcoholics or fans of the recovery movement.  It's for any who struggle with the propensity to be so involved with the lives of others that they leave their own self-care and common sense behind.  This includes people helpers of every stripe and those who spend their days absorbed in the endless compulsion to rescue, fix, or save everyone who comes along their path. 

This rescue mentality often occurs because our identity, our value, our esteem is not fully settled in our relationship with our Savior, but rather in what we can do for others. 

Let me put it this way.  I've met alot of codependent people who love Jesus. 

Loving our neighbor as ourselves {Mark 12:30-31} implies that there should be some level of regard and care for our own souls before we can model something healthy and whole for those we rub shoulders with.   The key is loving God first.  With everything we've got.  Out of that healthy allegiance comes the ability and desire to love and care for ourselves, in all the ways that matter most - body, spirit, mind, emotions.  And then modeling something compellingly life-giving to those around us as we share His love and grace.

And allowing people the freedom to make their own choices, own their own feelings, live their own lives.

Because God alone is the one who rescues.  Fixes.   Saves. 

Not us.

My notes ...

* setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or who we're with

* boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve

* boundaries emerge from the belief that what we want and need, like and dislike is important

* boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and be ourselves

* boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves

* when we identify we need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible

* we cannot simultaneously set a boundary (a limit) and take care of another person's feelings

* we'll probably feel ashamed and afraid when we set boundaries

* anger, rage, complaining, and whining are clues to boundaries we need to set

* we'll be tested when we set boundaries

* be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries

* some people are happy to respect our boundaries

* we'll set boundaries when we're ready, and not a minute sooner

* a support system can be helpful as we strive to establish and enforce boundaries

I hope this provides a bit of helpful food for thought ~

^ highlighters by Numan Q.



Weary of Rescuing?

Fixing   .   Enabling   .   Controlling   

'We rescue anytime we take responsibility for another human being - for that person's thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviors, growth, well-being, problems, or destiny.  We rescue people from their responsibilities ... Later we get mad at them for what we've done.   Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves.  That is the pattern, the triangle.'

- Beattie -

This rather lopsided dance often emerges under the guise of being a 'good' Christian, serving others 'wholeheartedly,' or being a people helper {professional or otherwise}.  In our efforts to be of assistance, the end result becomes exactly the opposite of what we set out to do.  Slowly but surely, our intent boomerangs back right at us as we render people powerless.  Make them more dependent on us.   Encourage them to sit back and wait to be rescued/fixed/assisted.  They end up enjoying the ride while we shoulder the load.

We seethe.  We feel victimized.  We become martyrs.      

The Apostle Paul speaks to this in Galatians 6:2-5.  In verse 2, the word for 'burdens' means a heavy load, like a big old unwieldy trunk.   Yes, we are called to bear each others' burdens during times of crisis, when brothers and sisters come together to hoist us up, lend a hand, get us over the bump in the road.

In verse 5, the word 'load' connotes a knapsack or a backpack.  Something that's manageable.  When it comes to the daily grind, we are to be responsible for dealing with our own stuff.

Beattie presents a few rescuing scenarios for us to consider ... I've added my 2 cents in italics:

=  Doing something we really don't want to do.

If we can't lend a hand with joy, we might want to rethink our motives.  We're called to give what we've decided in our hearts to give, and to do it 'not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver' {2 Corinthians 9:7}.

=  Doing something for someone although that person is capable of and should be doing it for himself.

We do no special favors in enabling someone to sit around and be waited on hand and foot.  Doing so removes the sense of responsibility for caring for ourselves that is healthy, and hugely limits the development of any motivation to aim toward achievement and success.

=  Doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested.

After Jesus touched someone's life, He sent them on their way with tasks to complete or changes to enact.  His work was done.  The one blessed to have His assistance was released to move ahead and take responsibility for their future choices.

=  Doing people's thinking for them.

God has given us each the power to use our brains, unless there is some mental disability present.  Don't presume to steal that right, that obligation, and that freedom from someone else.

So if you're taken on the mantle of the martyr, or you're filled with resentment or bitterness or a feeling of uneasiness toward another, you might want to see if you have morphed into a rescuer.  And decide where you want to go from there ...

'Cause in the end, who needs the crazy-making frustrations of futile, never ending attempts at people-pleasing?  It's just gotta be about making it 'our goal to please Him' {2 Corinthians 5:9}.   

- life saver by Thom Watson -

5 Truths My Clients Have Taught Me

Life is filled with milestones to be observed and celebrated.  These line-in-the-sand landmarks always present an opportunity to sit back and review, reflect and express gratitude ... and consider what might be on the road ahead. 

I'm celebrating a decade in my role as a pastoral counselor.  And I'm smiling, inside and out!

Back in July 2002, I set up shop in our living room.  The personal stuff was moved out and those prized, hard won diplomas and certificates were set in a place of honor.  My husband was banished from the house when appointments were scheduled.  It wasn't long til I was asked to serve on a church staff as a 'counselor for pastoral care,' and did so for five years.

In the fall of 2007, the creation and birth of the Creekside ministry center was a sweet miracle of grace and joyous redemption from the hand of God.  A long held dream was realized ... to offer hope-filled, healing conversations from a pastoral perspective in a beautiful, safe, peaceful environment.  It was truly one of those 'immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine' experiences {Ephesians 3:20}.

All I can say is it's been a trip.  A real journey.

I'm not the same woman and I'm a very different counselor than I was back in 2002.  Lots of reasons come into play.  But perhaps the biggest game changer has been the impact that thousands and thousands of hours of conversation with many hundreds of clients has had on my life.  In a nutshell, here's just a sampling of what I've learned:

1.  There's No Immunity
I've talked with clients from 14 - 84.  They've come from endless, fascinating cultures with the broadest array of experiences, challenges, and pain.  But no matter where they find themselves or how they spend their days or how much cash they've got in their pockets, whether they're people full of faith or those who shake their fist in God's face ... when all is said and done, life happens.  And absolutely no one is immune from emotional trauma, grief, unexpected events, family crises, or serious illness that can pull the rug right out from under us.   

2.  Big Courage is Required
Let me put to rest the myth that people who go to counseling are weak.  It takes an inordinate amount of strength to admit you need to talk with a professional.  Tenacity to find the perfect fit with the counselor who has the proper training to match your needs ... and a true connection to your soul.  And raw faith and endless trust to allow that counselor to lead you through your stuff, week in and week out, so that you come out on the other end so much better than when you started. 

3.  It Takes a Team
While counseling conversations are 1-1 and confidential, healing doesn't come in a vacuum.  Together, counselor and client create a healing team that comes alongside as she moves through the tough times.  Safe, caring family members and friends, experienced medical and legal professionals, ongoing support groups, effective community services, church resources, and online help all come into play.  We don't heal on our own.  We were created for community.

4.  It's a 24/7 Deal 
A motivated client is not content with 1 hour of work a week.  An emphasis on caring for her body through healthy eating, exercise, rest, and a new work/life balance are all on the table.  Consulting with her doctor, taking needed medication as prescribed, and creating a space to meet with God on a regular basis are vital steps in moving ahead.  Those who follow up on assigned reading and journaling, who begin to set up wise boundaries and take concrete steps to reach their goals ... these are the ones who mend, who grow, who heal.

5.  Wounded Healers Emerge
God doesn't bring healing so we can simply wander off and put our feet up and be happy.  The goal is always to take the lessons learned and the strength and wisdom gathered to bring something of beautiful, healing substance to others.  To be so restored and so grateful and so wise that grace and hope can be offered to others who are broken ... that is when the client knows she's come full circle.

I honor you today, all who've invited me to sit and be present with you in the stark reality of your pain.  To leave no stone gently unturned as we've walked slowly but surely through the dark and scary places into the healing light and freedom that comes through Christ.  To banish the lies that have hindered, to discover the power of forgiveness, and embrace new ways of looking at life and relating to others well.  And ultimately, to claim the joyous potential of inviting our Redeemer to restore 'the years the locusts have eaten' {Joel 2:25}. 

Thank you for allowing me to champion your healing, pray you through each setback, speak the hard truth in love, and celebrate your victories.  When all is said and done, God is faithful and He is good. 

Anticipating what He has in store for us all ~
Linda

- photo by blessedchild -

Emerging from Victimhood's Quicksand

You might be traveling with a heavy load.  Wounded, not whole.  Along the way you may have been deceived or neglected, denied or cheated, tricked or abused. 

And the result?  Forced to don the mantle of powerlessness, you don't feel safe in your own skin.  A toxic brew of  fear, anxiety, and depression weave their ugly tentacles through your soul.  Healthy relationships are few and far between.  Making wise choices seems to be an impossible task.  The thought of confidently representing yourself seems like a never-to-be-accomplished dream.   And the possibility that you might be able to set up wise boundaries or life-enriching margins that would protect your body, mind, and spirit seems to be oh-so-far off.

Here's a few questions that might shed a bit of light on the quicksand of victimhood, allowing you to emerge from what's keeping you stuck and onto a pathway that leads upward and onward: 

1.  When did you first start feeling like a victim?

2.  In what situations does this currently arise?

3.  With who?

4.  How do you feel when you're bullied? Treated disrespectfully? Threatened with punishment or emotional manipulation by another?

5.  Are you able to see yourself as a strong adult, not a weak child?

6.  Are you able to see yourself as Christ sees you, loved, priceless, valuable?

7.  Are there 1 or 2 choices you're ready to make today?

Perhaps it's past time to choose healing, to choose empowerment, to choose to climb out of the quicksand and emerge into some long-awaited freedom.  If you're a believer in Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit has been given to you as your Comforter and your own personal Guide into all truth.  And it really is ok to talk with a wise, gentle pastor or an experienced counselor as you walk through these life-giving questions.  {See here and there.}

Yes, much that's happened along the way has been out of your control.  But maybe today's the day to say 'enough already.'  Because it is for that precious freedom that Christ has set us free ...

Linda

- sign by i_gallagher -



3 Moves You Must Make To Become Whole

I'm on the 2nd read-through of Rhett Smith's book, THE ANXIOUS CHRISTIAN.  And I'm thinking that it'll go down as one of the most important books I'll read and recommend this year.  As I move through this volume with my Wednesday evening anxiety group, these courageous ladies are sharing more-than-profound insights that are making even my own seasoned head spin, and my heart burst with a deep gratitude for what the Holy Spirit does in lives who are fully committed to God and are willing to do the hard work of change.

After a decade of pastoral counseling, I believe that there are three pivotal moves we need to make in order to find the healing and freedom that we yearn for:

1.  Look Back & Turn Over Every Stone

2.  Take Responsibility For My Responses & Choices

3.  Forgive & Release Others

Rhett's words are gamechangers, aimed at questions that swirl way in the back of our troubled hearts, where some very defensive, self-protective postures keep us tragically immobilized in the quicksand of going nowhere fast.  Why should I look back?  Why do I need to stop blaming others, and bravely take on the mantle of responsibility that I've avoided like the plague?  And why is forgiveness is the only way to unshackle myself from the past?

He writes,
'... if we fear looking back at the past, or downplay how the past has shaped us, we may never really learn who we are and how we have been wired ... Once we begin to see the patterns and how those interactions shaped who we are today, it provides a powerful opportunity for us to begin to understand ourselves better.  In that awareness we are then freed to begin to make the changes we want in life.  Without awareness and knowledge of who we are and how we were shaped in our family of origin, there is little motivation and opportunity to change the ways we have always operated.

Looking back provides us with the opportunity to review the past because the past is important.  The past has shaped who we are presently, has a profound influence on how we react in times of fear or pain, and will continue to shape who we will be in the future ... As we look back at our families of origin and how they shaped us, we practice the biblical concept of remembering, and in doing so we can participate in the reshaping of who God has created us to be ... By participating in the process of remembering we are given the task to take responsibility for our lives. 

Too many people look back at the past and fall prey to becoming a passive victim who shirks responsibility and in the process forfeits their present and future with God.  It's important to understand how you became who you are today, but equally important to ask yourself who you want to be ...

Finally, this process also allows us the opportunity to exercise grace to ourselves and to others.  As we muster up the courage to face our past, we may be surprised to realize that we weren't the only ones having a difficult time in life and struggling to make it day to day.  As we review the past and take responsibility for our lives, we may begin to slowly realize that often our parents were doing the best they could.  Maybe what you got from them was all they knew how to give.  This is not to excuse areas in your life where parents should have been more present, more encouraging, less critical, etc.  But maybe that knowledge may free you up enough to let go and live in freedom from the bondage of the past.'

Savor more ...

The question just begs to be asked as this post comes to a close.  What are you going to do with what you've read today?

Linda



Weary of Pretending?

Pretend. 

1. to cause or attempt to cause (what is not so) to seem so: to pretend illness;

to pretend that nothing is wrong.

2. to appear falsely, as to deceive;

feign: to pretend to go to sleep.

3. to make believe.

Pretending can be great fun!  Like making believe that you're asleep when you're really wide awake.  Notice that the old lady is an experienced pretender!  The grandchildren find it just a bit harder to pull the whole charade off.  And the younger the child, the harder it is to fake it.  But sooner or later they get the hang of it.  Kind of ... 

But in real life, pretending is not all that entertaining.  It works against us.  Some travel along, acting like all is well when nothing could be farther from the truth.  Others deceive, donning a false persona or playing a role, passing themselves off as someone that they're not. 

And in the whole process, we end up becoming incredibly inauthentic instead of genuinely real from the inside out.  And over time the results are damaging.  Slowly but surely, an unsettling amount of emotional unrest creeps in.  There's a spiritual numbness.  And physical illness isn't far behind.  Anxiety and depression slowly weave their way into our beings.

Along the way, many of us had to pretend that all was well.  It was a tool for survival.  For coping.  But there comes a time when we begin to yearn for something more.  We start to outgrow the mask we donned along the way.  Like a pair of pants that just doesn't fit any more, living with all the "smoke and mirrors" grows uncomfortable and unsettling. 

We long to be free from the constraints.  A great yearning for freedom from these chains rises up within our souls.  Our deepest desire is not to hide anymore.  It morphs into a healthy thirst for spiritual and emotional healing {John 4:14}.  To be transformed into someone genuine and authentic.  To be a person of integrity, from the inside out. 

We long to feel safe and whole, accepted and treasured.

I love that Jesus invites us to be who we are with Him.  To approach Him with not a mask in sight.  He beckons us to come because He sees that we are "weary and burdened" with all our phoniness, our inauthenticity, our drama, our stuff, our pain, our sin.  He knows that our deepest longing is to find rest for our souls {Matthew 11:28-29}. 

And that can only be found in a genuine relationship with Him.

Perhaps the most important question He asks, then and now, is "Do you want to get well?" {John 5:6}.

Are you ready to take off the mask you've been wearing?  Maybe it's time to come to Him with all that is true about you ... and find the healing your soul's been craving.

No more pretending ~
Linda

Exploring Play Therapy

PLAY THERAPY. 

Arts and crafts galore.  Lots of dolls and puppets and action figures.  Cars and trucks.  A sandbox and a dollhouse.  Illustrated books.  Kid-size furniture.  Dress-up gear.  Interactive games. 

And a gentle, specially trained therapist for children, ages 3-12, to share time with. 

An open, safe, nurturing environment allows the play therapist to meet children on their turf, at their level. Using the child's language (play), therapist and the young client are able to explore the child's world.  Together, they begin to make sense of life's challenges ... and learn to cope and heal and thrive.

Ladwig writes, "Children who may benefit from counseling are those who have persistent difficulties with anger, worry, sadness, fear, shyness, low self-esteem, making friends, eating or sleeping, problems at school, death of someone close, or those who have experienced or witnessed something traumatic (including divorce or separation of their parents).

Children who do not have the skills and problem solving tools to deal with psychological issues may act out at home, with friends, and at school and display a significant amount of misbehavior and/or depression."

Find out lots more ...

And check out Julie Lowe's play therapy office ...



If I was a little one in crisis, I think I wouldn't mind being there at all ...
Linda