The Imperfect Table

'Although the table is a place for intimacy, we all know how easily it can become a place of distance, hostility, and even hatred.  Precisely because the table is meant to be an intimate place, it easily becomes the place we experience the absence of intimacy.  The table reveals the tensions among us.  When husband and wife don’t talk to each other, when a child refuses to eat, when brothers and sisters bicker, when there are tense silences, then the table becomes hell, the place we least want to be.

The table is the barometer of family and community life.  Let’s do everything possible to make the table the place to celebrate intimacy.'
- Henri Nouwan

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It's circa 1960s, this photo is, with loved ones gathered around the mahogany table, layered in white linen starched and pressed within an inch of its life.  All have donned their Sunday go-to-meeting attire and another homemade feast has been savored.  The main course {savory chicken and dumplings laced with fresh rosemary ... or perhaps a herbed roast leg of lamb with mint jelly} has been polished off.  Dessert is about to be served on the beautiful blue-rimmed china.  Fresh flowers create the centerpiece, and that ain't no store bought cake front and center.  Blue depression glasses are filled with ice cold milk, and smiles and laughter wrap themselves 'round and 'round the crowded room.

This is a feast of love and laughter that somehow springs from imperfect hearts in an imperfect family.  And only by His grace are there seldom tense silences or harsh words as we gather together.  For this is a safe place and this is the stuff that memories are woven of, secure and warm and strong.

*

Fast forward to 2014.  Five of those adults now dine with Jesus in the most spectacular dining room ever.  The little cousins {I am unseen on the far left} are now all in their 50s and 60s and are scattered over five states.  They very rarely gather, which makes any reunions oh so sweet.  

Two generations later, I am now the presiding granny at yet another table.  Sweatshirts and jeans are the Sabbath attire.  A new passel of little cousins gather with their parents and grandparents as we celebrate the sweet nine year old's birthday.  We're talking hot dogs straight off the grill, spinach salad tossed with fresh veggies, hot homemade applesauce, and chips.  Any treasured remnants of Grandma's mid-century china are stashed away in someone's cupboard somewhere, and we dine on rectangular styrofoam plates and glasses hastily pulled from the kitchen cabinet.  A typical dessert at this table?  Rarely homemade.  There is no time or energy for that these days.  Ice cream comes out of the freezer, and Hershey's syrup and sprinkles and whipped cream from a can does the trick.

Yet 50 years later, the barometer reads the same.  It's a different time, a different place, but one central truth remains. 

This is a feast of love and laughter that somehow springs from imperfect hearts in an imperfect family.  And only by His grace are there seldom tense silences or harsh words as we gather together.  For this is a safe place and this is the stuff that memories are woven of, secure and warm and strong.

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I wipe the spills and the crumbs from my husband's handcrafted table, scarred barn wood redeemed from the scrap heap, marred with scratches, gouges, and knots.  This imperfect heart overflows with gratitude for childhood memories way back in the day ... and this, the here and now.  For a rare Christ-centered legacy that wends its way through the generations.  For those little ones careening through the house, shouts and laughter and occasional tears echoing as bare feet pound on smooth wood in the hall, up and down the stairs.   

I head back to the kitchen, stepping around an assortment of little sneakers and boots kicked to the side and abandoned toys hastily dropped along the way.  I join my daughters in wrapping leftovers and washing dishes.  We wipe down sticky counters and close the fridge and cupboard doors tight. 

But the hearts of those who fill this home today?  As imperfect as they are, by His grace they remain open wide to each other.  And to their Heavenly Father from whom all blessings have flowed.

Imperfect hearts.  Imperfect family.  Imperfect table. 

Redeemed.






>  sharing life with Laura  *  Beth  *  Kristen  *  Beth



A Truly Beachy Day

We're beach people born and bred, my husband and I.  But seldom when the sun beats down hot and heavy.  You're more likely to find us walking abandoned shorelines in winter, fall, or spring than in these dog days of summer.  Our typical beachwear includes multiple layers of hooded sweatshirts, scarves, headgear, and gloves, all encased in very bulky jackets. 

But not on a recent golden weekend morning.  Flip flops, shorts, baseball caps, and sunglasses were the order of the day at the lake 1/2 hour north.  All excuses as to why we didn't have time to head to the beach vanished as the perfectly exquisite day dawned.  We arrived early and happily ensconced ourselves in comfy green chairs under the spreading branches of one of the many trees along the sandy shore, shielded from the sun's harsh rays.

We chitchatted, held hands, ate, napped, read, ate, took a few leisurely strolls to quieter inlets along the shore, laughed, ate, people watched, and shared conversation back and forth all day on matters big and small.

Some random observations ...

Families
Alive and well at this beach.  Parents must accompany children under 10 years old into the water, and most parents were actively splashing away, not tentatively standing on the shoreline, biding their time.  Watching the scene unfold brought to mind long ago memories from back in the day when our own girls were small.  We spotted lots of extended families and I knew how much our gang of twelve would have loved this. 

Picnics
Alive and well, too.  Nobody seemed to arrive empty handed, and coolers of every size imaginable were dragged onto the sand or toted along the shoreline.  There's no fast food in this neck of the woods, and even the snack bar didn't seem to be all that busy, even though the beach was jam packed by early afternoon.  We feasted on baked chicken {just like my mom used to make when we went to the beach back in the '60s ... and yes, they had beaches back then} and all manner of munchies rather hastily packed early morning.  And together we guzzled a half gallon of iced tea, flavored with fresh-snipped mint from our back porch.

Screens
Not at this beach.  Not sure why.  Poor reception up in the sticks?  Too much fun to be had at water's edge?  Sick and tired of being tethered to all things electronic?  I only saw one Kindle and two smart phones in action.  Translation = people were very much in the moment.  Our phones were off and in the car.  We had no idea what time it was and couldn't have cared less.  That is until we began to long for some ice cream.

Tattoos
Alive and well on at least 50% of the passersby we saw ... young, old, men, women.  I'm sorry, but a large number of inkings on one's body are not a particularly attractive sight, especially on most older people.  Please do keep this in mind if you're considering indulging in this rather permanent commitment.

Bodies
I'm always amazed at the number of women who think their bodies are bikini-worthy.  And the whole concept of modesty seems to be as rare as hen's teeth.  And while I'm wondering what message is being modeled for the next generation, I'm also thinking, hey, guys ... would you please go and grab a t-shirt?  My oh-so-observant husband said it best.  'More people need to be covered up.'  Need I say more?

Bookbag
Here's a wonderful little devotional to tuck in with your beach gear.  Sweet little readings, nothing too heavy, and wonderful photos make this a good choice to throw in your bag. {Hint - buy a few extra for your beach loving friends ...}

You can click here to check out this little volume ...

 

As a former client said so well in an early morning note ... 'I hope your summer is full of beachy days.'

 

==>  From the beach to Beth's and Donna's

10 Seconds with Pa

So ... when was the last time you read a blog post, a magazine article, a book, anything at all on grandfathering?  We've been inundated with more than we'll ever need to know about healthy moms and effective dads.  A bit here and there on doing the grandma thing.  But grandfathering?

It's like these guys are as rare as hen's teeth.

And I'm not sure why.  Because these men can make all the difference in the lives of the little ones of their own little ones.

They can't and shouldn't replace their parents.  But they can come alongside and play and read and explore and jump and challenge and create.  They can model integrity and godliness and character and hard work and a can-do spirit.  They can be the icing on the cake in a healthy family, or pick up some of the slack in a dysfunctional one.

And they can give those hard-working parents a bit of a much needed break here and there.

Do a quick scroll-down to capture 10 seconds in one grandpa's afternoon ... and I'll leave you to imagine this awesome duo's conversation together!

'Children's children are the crown of old men;

and the glory of children are their fathers.'

   Proverbs 17:6 

 

 

*   In memory and honor of John Thoman, another awesome grandfather.  *

 

 

31 Days of Awesome Relationships : : Day 30 : : This Is How We Do Family

 

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31 Days of Awesome Relationships : : Day 22 : : Her Brother's Heart is Broken

Sandra in North Carolina writes ...
I am trying to minister to my brother.  His wife of 25 years has asked him for a divorce.   She said that he had changed ... that now the age difference between them was too much ... She wants him to move out.

I have no idea what all of the problems are.  I know he has been faithful.  They have seen a lawyer.  The lawyer wants them to sell the house, take the two paychecks and split them evenly.  The lawyer said that until the house sells they could live one week in/one week out of the house (trading parents--Dad in one week/Mom in one week). 

It is such a mess!  His daughter's birthday is in exactly one month. She will be 14.  He doesn't want to miss out on daily being part of the kids' lives!  He doesn't want to be a part time father, doesn't want to move out, doesn't want to separate.

How on earth do I minister to him?  to his kids?  I am trying not to say anything except to ask him to pray before he moves and know that this is what God wants.  Can it truly be what God wants??  There are a 1000 things that I could say, none of which would be what God wants me to say.

How do I advise my older brother when his heart is broken?  He said that he had lost his best friend ... and now she is asking him to leave his kids too.  I am praying for her to come to her knees and see what Jesus wants her to do.

Please tell me how to help.  I can't get the faces of this broken family out of my mind and heart!!

My response ...

Hi Sandra ~

I am so sorry for this tragedy that is unfolding in your family.  Sadly, your story is not unusual, but that doesn't make the pain and heartache any less real.  Most especially for your brother's children.

Separation and divorce not only impact the immediate family but everyone else who loves and cares about each of them.  The tragic tentacles reach into the lives of relatives, friends, and others in a church family and neighborhood. 

And yes, although we hate to hear it, there are always two sides to every story.  And reconciliation takes two people willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work of rebuilding a marriage.  Without that commitment, it's just not going to happen without direct intervention from God Himself.

I love when you wrote, 'There are a 1000 things that I could say, none of which would be what God wants me to say.'  You are so wise in not only understanding what you want to add to the already volatile mix, but also using discernment and self-control in being still with your words, most particularly around the children.

You might find that journaling will allow you to unpack all that's assaulting you, and that leaving your swirling emotions with God will allow you to be calm, wise, and gracious in your dealings with the family.

Everyone on both 'sides' of this misfortune is going to have an opinion, free advice, and their own perspective.  You can stand out in the crowd and be most effective by making concentrated prayer for each member of your brother's family, including his wife, a priority for you.  Are you able to commit to 5, 10, 15 minutes a day?

We are called to 'be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry' {James 1:19}.  If you are able to be a safe, gentle person for your brother and his children, and provide a quiet nurturing space in your home for them to retreat to, this will be a huge gift to them.  I would also encourage you to be gracious and merciful if/when you run into your sister-in-law, remembering that she will continue to be the mother of your brother's children.

We all carry a bucket of kerosene and a bucket of water to every relationship blaze we encounter along the way.  As you watch this family go through uncertainty and pain, I encourage you to make the choice to dispense only what will put out the flames of hurt and anguish.  A 'gentle and quiet spirit' is often the most healing gift that can be given.  That your brother and his children know that you are a loving, supportive presence for them, a stable, safe harbor during the storm, is a lavish, Christ-honoring gift. 

And as this trauma continues to unfold, please be sure to do what you need to do to stay healthy and sane ... and not too drawn into all that's swirling around your brother's family.

How blessed they are that you're there ... 

*    *    *

Don't miss the chance to win a $25 Applebee's gift card or a $10 i-tunes gift card! Each comment you leave this month puts you in the running for this October 31st {9 pm eastern} giveaway!

Click here for the links to each of the 31 posts.
Subscribe to the blog at The Delivery on the top right and future posts will come directly to you!

^ green mailbox by Robes-Pierre



Servant-Hearted Men

Who is THE MAN women are looking for?

HINT:  He might not extravagantly wine and dine.  He doesn't necessarily appear at the door laden with expensive boxes of chocolates.  And he may not haul home extravagant bouquets of flowers for every conceivable occasion.

Those things are all well and good.

But the man that a woman really yearns for is the one who says "I love you" by doing the dishes. 

Who can get a decent supper on the table.  Patiently holds a crying child at night.  Takes feverish little ones to the doctor.  Cheerfully loads up the gang for a trek to a warehouse store.  Encourages his wife to take a much-needed nap.  Changes endless dirty diapers.  Enthusiastically embraces daddy/daughter dates.  And faithfully reads Bible stories at night.

This man partners with his wife at every level.  He doesn't sit around waiting to be asked to take care of something that needs to be done.  And he doesn't expect something in return.  He simply rolls up his sleeves because that's what godly husbands and dads do. 

Serving lavishly is in the DNA of men who belong to Christ.  Because He's the One who modeled for us what humble servanthood is all about. 

Take a look at Philippians 2:1-8.

I honor my sons-in-law today.  They are those men.  My daughters are blessed.  These guys remind me alot of my husband.  They may not be perfect, but they are men of character.  And I am beyond thankful.

They playfully jostle for the title of "Most Favored Son-in-Law Status."  But there are no favorites around here.  I love and respect them both.  I doubt that there's a "National Sons-in-Law Month."  But if there was, I'd be the first one to jump on board.

Love you guys ~

Mom

The In-Laws

I've talked with a number of women about the in-laws.  I've heard a few heart-warming stories of delightful generosity, loving sacrifice, and wisdom shared. 

With no strings attached.

But more often than not, the spouse's parents are coming across as busybodies.  Nosy.  Intrusive.  Critical.  Interfering.  Domineering.        

At best.

Without attention, destructive, divisive, and disrespectful behavior across the generations can escalate to the point of creating a tragic, heart-rending split between parents, children, and grandchildren. 

Or a rancorous divorce.   

Dr. Les Parrott muses, "While some blessed couples couldn't be happier with their in-laws, the majority of couples feel that their in-laws are outlaws.  And the number one complaint is over-controlling behavior."

Click here and check out a number of interesting scenarios ... any of them sound familiar? 

Always room for improvement, isn't there ... on both sides of the fence.  Maybe that's why God tells us to "leave and cleave" {Genesis 2:24}.  Even as we "love one another deeply, from the heart" {1 Peter 1:22}.

So ... what's it like to have you as an in-law?

Reflecting ~
Linda

Exploring Play Therapy

PLAY THERAPY. 

Arts and crafts galore.  Lots of dolls and puppets and action figures.  Cars and trucks.  A sandbox and a dollhouse.  Illustrated books.  Kid-size furniture.  Dress-up gear.  Interactive games. 

And a gentle, specially trained therapist for children, ages 3-12, to share time with. 

An open, safe, nurturing environment allows the play therapist to meet children on their turf, at their level. Using the child's language (play), therapist and the young client are able to explore the child's world.  Together, they begin to make sense of life's challenges ... and learn to cope and heal and thrive.

Ladwig writes, "Children who may benefit from counseling are those who have persistent difficulties with anger, worry, sadness, fear, shyness, low self-esteem, making friends, eating or sleeping, problems at school, death of someone close, or those who have experienced or witnessed something traumatic (including divorce or separation of their parents).

Children who do not have the skills and problem solving tools to deal with psychological issues may act out at home, with friends, and at school and display a significant amount of misbehavior and/or depression."

Find out lots more ...

And check out Julie Lowe's play therapy office ...



If I was a little one in crisis, I think I wouldn't mind being there at all ...
Linda

Propel Yourself!

Life coaching is coming to the forefront again.

Most people are familiar with counseling. It's a reflective process. It focuses on sorting through the past and its impact on the client's current situation. It's a life saver for those folks struggling with anxiety or depression. And for those who need freedom from the old, distorted tapes that play in their minds. It's the venue for those who need to recover from trauma or abuse. For those who need to grieve ... or do some serious forgiveness work.

Life coaching is a different animal.
It's forward-looking, proactive, and edgy. Coaching is designed for people who are ready to stop looking over their shoulders at the past. It can be fairly fast-paced and usually requires heavy-duty homework.

Whether individual or family coaching, the most successful clients have the ability to partner with their coaches to take responsibility for honest self-evaluation. They can't wait to roll up their sleeves and get going on the work they need to do ... be it improved communication skills, wise decision making, saying 'goodbye' to the lifestyle ruts that have left them going nowhere, or fresh goal setting for the next season of life.

Check out one family's communication breakthrough. And keep an eye on HGTV's new coaching show, HOME RULES. It'll be interesting to see if it offers something substantial ... or if it's just a mid-season filler.

If you're ready to look for a life coach, search for someone with some level of training and certification. Most coaches have carved out a niche for themselves (family coach, business coach, health coach, ministry coach, ADD coach, etc.

Christian Coaches Network is the place to find faith-based, Christ-centered resources. And the good news is that most coaching is done via phone and the internet which allows you to choose the perfect coach for you.

What a great time of year to propel yourself forward!
Linda

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"
- Philippians 3:13-14.

Legacy Leavers

September 13th is Grandparents Day. We look at the lives of our parents' parents, and choose to honor them, whether they are alive or are now gone from us.

What is their legacy?

Legacy is defined as "something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past."

So, what are you transmitting to those in your world ... family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, the next generation? What are you modeling for those you influence? What are they receiving as they observe your lifestyle, choices, words, and responses to daily joys and sorrows?

My dear friend Kristen Milligan lives a life that's all about intentionally leaving a legacy.

So today I honor my Dad and Mom who continue to model what "Living for Jesus" looks like. And remember my grandparents who were loving, godly, and faithful - to Christ and to their families. That's my legacy. And I remain determined, by the grace and power of the Spirit, to pass it on to the people in my world, young and old.

Linda

"... I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days ..."

- Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (NKJV).

"Building Children's Self-Esteem"

1. Make sure that your children know they are worthy just because they are God's children.

2. Give unconditional love at all times.

3. Be alert to any signs that your children may be developing a distorted self-image - seeing themselves as unworthy, useless, less than adequate.

4. At all times, verbally affirm the positive strengths you see in your child.

5. Every child has unique gifts, so intentionally try to help your child discover what these unique strengths are, even if they are not on your agenda or value list!

6. Make sure that the feedback you give your child is not distorted by your own desires or disappointments.

7. Provide an atmosphere of complete trust for your child.

8. Some negative feedback in life is inevitable, and probably true, so every child must develop the courage to face up to, and learn, whatever he/she can from it.

9. Critical to a healthy sense of self is the development of a trustworthy 'self-evaluating internal filter' that will acknowledge the positive things about oneself, and not hoard the negative things. By allowing your child to share their successes, failures, and feelings with you, you can strengthen the accuracy of this filter.

10. A healthy self-esteem cannot be built just on achieving a lot of success.

- Archibald Hart, Writing for AACC's Pass It On

Good food for thought for all parents, grandparents, and teachers ~

Linda

The Dialogue Continues ...

We recently began a blog conversation focusing on young adults who walk away from the faith. Click here to read that post and the deep, thought-filled responses that it generated. Carol in NY continues the dialogue as she sends along an article entitled "From Youth Group to Agnosticism." The author considers several "straws that broke the camel's back":

* Victims of Formulaic Parenting

* Confusing Doctrinal and Spiritual Knowledge with True Spirituality

* Controlling Friendships Out of Fear

Click here to read.

What's your take on these provocative musings?

Linda

"Home is Full of Rules"

I loved this article in a recent edition of the local paper ... and if you have adult children living in your home ... or if you are over the age of 18 and are bunking in with "the parentals," this is a good read.

Humor couches 6 common sense, respectful guidelines for making this often difficult relationship work well.

Based on many conversations I've had over the years with both parents and young adult children, I believe the author's experience just might provide a bit of good fodder for some much-needed, long overdue conversations ...

Speak the truth - with love and respect ~
Linda

Whatever Happened to Sunday School?

Sunday School.

It was a non-negotiable when I was growing up. And as we raised our children.

I've had a number of conversations with grieving parents who are grappling with what went wrong along the way. They did all the right things. They faithfully brought their kids to church. To Sunday School. Youth Group. Christian camp. Christian school. They "lived for Christ" at home the best they could. They did all the right things.

And then their kids opted out. Checked out of the faith. Wandered off. And kicked off lots of coulda/woulda/shoulda soul-searching and deep grief and despair to their very perplexed parents.

Click here to check out some very surprising stats ...

The good news is that many of these young adults continue to wrestle with God. They are trying to figure out what their faith looks like. And doesn't look like. And that's a good thing. Because "they don't have to be like me to be like Him." It has to be their relationship with Christ. Not their parents'.

And for this rite of passage to do its work, parents need to do one of the hardest things they've ever done. Finally release their children. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. To stand on their own feet. To make their own way.

And the seeds that have been planted have not been in vain. They continue to be watered by fervent, tear-filled prayers as these wise parents finally let their children go and watch them continue their rocky journey into the world of adulthood.

And this is prime opportunity for their own faith to be stretched and deepened, as well ... if they, themselves, do the often difficult work of simply sitting with God. Allowing the Holy Spirit to lead them into some deep soul-searching. Absorbing and applying the timeless truths of Scripture. Discovering new treasures of faith in the darkness of "the waiting room."

And then surprisingly, or maybe not, the sun begins to shine. Slowly, tentatively. Faith is often resurrected when these young adults become parents ... and they begin to see the wisdom and value and validity of the "faith of their fathers." And begin to embrace it for themselves and for their newly formed families.

And they begin to bring their children to Sunday School ...

Encouraging the wrestling ~ Linda

A Mother's Day Blessing

"May the Lord repay you for what you have done.

May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel,

under whose wings you have come to take refuge"

- Ruth 2:12.

Blessing those who have been a blessing ~

Linda

"Little Ones to Him Belong ..."

I don't know where you stand on the recent birth of the octuplets, but amidst all the comments I've heard, I began to wonder, "What would Jesus do?"

So, no matter what your views on the ethical, legal, moral, and financial ramifications of the birth of these little ones, perhaps we can agree on one thing ...

"Little Ones to HIM belong. They are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so."

There's no doubt in my mind what Jesus would do. Mark 10:16 tells us that "He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them."

I encourage you to bless these fragile, little lives with your prayers ~
Linda

Cozi?

Wish you had some help organizing your family life? Cozi is a free online service that allows your family to stay connected and is accessible from any computer or mobile phone. All in one place, you have the freedom to develop and access:

> a color-coded family calendar

> shopping & to-do lists

> posted chores

> a family journal

> photo collage

> ability to send quick reminders & messages

Cozi? Or ...? What do you think?

Pondering technology's impact on our families ~ Linda