Back-to-school night it was. That hour and a half when parents cram the halls, paperwork in hand, wedging tired bodies into tiny seats, hoping against hope that the teacher/student connection will be a win/win, praying that the year will be relatively painless for all.
Artwork and essays line the freshly painted cinder block walls. And the young mama spies her daughter's creation. Tears of laughter, pools of joy spill over as she reads her daughter's writing, her bold, yet oh-so-natural testimony carefully printed out for all the world to read.
'I'm lucky to have a best friend like Jesus. We have some things in common like
how we look. We both have white skin and we both like to read the Bible. And
something we like to do for fun is play with little kids. Even though we are
alike in ways we are also different in ways. He has shorter hair than me and I
have longer hair than him. He lives in Heaven and I live on earth. I'm shy but
he is brave.'
This is what Back-To-School Night looks like. In a public school. Where an 8 year old girl can tell the world that her best friend is Jesus.
Yes, I'm overflowing with gratitude that Jesus is alive and well in our neighborhood schools. But I only wish that I would be as courageous as my granddaughter in proclaiming loud and clear, with not an apology in sight, that Jesus is my best friend, too.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Multiple Book Giveaways!
Each comment you leave this month puts you in the running for one of the books we'll be sharing with our readers with on October 31st {9 pm eastern, US and Canada only}. Limit 1 comment/day, please! Details to come.
The three simple words that your teen yearns to hear straight from your lips, your heart?
Clue - they're not what you think ...
John Trent's all about Strong Families. And in a recent issue of Christian Counseling Connection, this wise counselor writes, 'My friend, Dr. Joe White, is the head of Kanakuk Kamps in Branson, Missouri. Each summer, thousands of teenagers attend these incredible camps. A few years ago, Joe had his staff give each camper a survey. On it was one simple question: 'What would you most like to hear from your parents?'
The answer to that question from several thousand high school students surprised the staff. In writing the survey, they were all but certain that the vast majority of teens would say they wanted to hear three words, 'I love you.' However, that response came in a distant second. What was first?
It was three words, all right, but these three, 'I am sorry.'
Tough words for a parent, grandparent, spouse or co-worker to say, but wonderful if we are serious about being people who 'untie' knots and build strong families ...'
Powerful food for thought. I'd add three more.
'Will you forgive me?'
* * *
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We've all seen and heard them at our kids' games. Screaming and shouting at the pint size players out on the field. Relentlessly demanding that coaches and refs reconsider decisions. What started out as positive, wholesome, character building activity disintegrates into a dazzling display that turns heads. But it's demeaning. And embarrassing.
And guess what? The kids hate it.
1/3
That's the number of kids who wish their parents wouldn't attend their athletic events, because they yell too much, make them nervous, and/or put pressure on them to win, according to Real Simple magazine and i9 Sports, a national franchise of youth leagues and camps.
How 'bout we ease up on the kids? And maybe find a more legitimate way to live our our own unfulfilled dreams?
What runs through their minds when they hear this verbal ranting and raving?
I. AM. SUCH. A. LOSER.
or
I. AM. NEVER. ENOUGH.
or maybe
I. AM. SO. OUT. OF. HERE.
or perhaps
I'LL. NEVER. BE. ABLE. TO. MAKE. IT. ON. MY. OWN.
Rather than making a spectacle of ourselves and putting unending pressure on the kids to live something we never achieved, maybe we can put the focus back on developing respectful team interaction, building character, and staying healthy.
Just my 2 cents ~
* * *
Don't miss the chance to win
a $25 Applebee's gift card or a $10 i-tunes gift card!
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STEP 2 - 300 seconds of thoughts are put to paper.
STEP 3 - A quick spell check and preview.
STEP 4 - The publish button is hit.
STEP 5 - I make a cup of tea, sit back and put my feet up, and join an online chat with others who are focused on that same word. {And yes, YOU'RE invited to join the fun!}
*
Today's word is BEYOND ...
They're NOT Going to Say Cheese! - May 2011
The seemingly futile potty training and the mountains of clothes that needed to be sorted. The endless wiping of little noses that run like faucets and the changing of diapers that magically refill as soon as you put the wipes away. Walking the floors back and forth at o'dark thirty and feedings that seem like they'll go on forever.
I talk to the young mamas in my world. And with bleary eyes, they are trying, hoping, praying that they'll get through the day. The hour. Maybe even the minute.
And I want to tell them to look beyond today. If that's at all possible. To try to see beyond the toys strewn from here to there and the tantrums and the hanging on to your skirt and the repeated calling of your name. To see your calling in this season as a beautiful gift. The Creator of that child has chosen you to be his or her mama. And your ultimate goal, if you can grasp hold of it, is to raise that little one to be a man or woman of integrity. Of character. Of godliness. It's about instilling values, and shaping souls, and modeling Jesus' love and grace, so that someday, all the good things you pour into that precious life will become their identity, who they are in the depths of their souls.
Keep your eye on the goal, that prize, dear mamas. Look to who you, and He, want this little one to be when they head out the door into adulthood. And please don't get weary in well doing, because in the end, it will have been worth it all.
Re-energized by a weekend nap and raring to go, the little sisters in their brand new, matching party dresses raced around the living room, peals of joyful laughter and enthusiastic chatter filling the air. I just knew that it was time to get grab my camera before pizza and homemade chocolate cake were added to the mix. 'Let me get a quick picture before the party!'
But there was no way these little ladies were going to stand still and 'say cheese.' Toddlers don't stand still. It's just not going to happen. And no matter how you beg and plead and bribe, few of them are interested in posing for the camera at your convenience. Especially when there's a growing pile of bright shiny boxes and bags with ribbons that are calling their names. Larger than life Minnie Mouse balloons mesmerize as they reach to the sky. All kinds of fun people are just about to walk through the door. And it's time to party!
They were on the run. I should have simply taken a video. 'Let's have them sit on the blue chair,' their always optimistic, ever-patient mama decided.
mmm ... not so much. Because this is the chair that BOUNCES! Eagerly, they jumped to their feet and took a quick turn to check out their mama's vintage teacup collection.
And then the chair magically morphed into a real-life trampoline! Jumping up and down with great glee, they sprang into action. Literally. And the real party began ...
Happy birthdays, sweet sisters. My Lex and Brookie Cookie, precious answers to oh-so-many fervent prayers. Beautiful bundles of exuberant life. Little miracles that radiate God's goodness and blessing. I love you so.
And now Grandma needs a nap. Because we'll all be together again next weekend. And your four enthusiastically-overflowing-with-life cousins will bring their own special brand of joy-infused energy to the table. And we'll party once again!
I remember bringing our firstborn home from the hospital almost 34 years ago. Quietly and tentatively, her father gently placed the car seat that cradled our oh-so-precious treasure on the sofa. We gazed with awestruck adoration at our little one. And then looked at each other, rather overwhelmed and completely clueless.
With some hesitancy, I took a deep breath and asked the brand new daddy the deeply profound question that I would utter thousands of times in the next couple of decades as we raised two daughters.
"NOW what do we do?"
It all seems like eons ago. Young, and rather isolated from other moms my age, I didn't recognize that I parented with an introverted heart. Except for James Dobson, there were few Christ-centered parenting resources to be found. My mom came along from time to time with her gentle wisdom. But otherwise, we were left on our own to figure out this whole parenting thing.
Together we muddled our way along, making more than our fair share of boneheaded mistakes and stupid errors in judgement. We simply parented the best we could with what we had, one day at a time.
And we introduced our girls to Jesus very early. The affirmation "that makes Jesus happy" seemed to flow naturally from somewhere deep within my soul, and was spoken often to affirm good behavior, kind words, and wise choices.
I couldn't have possibly articulated back then what I know now. That effective parenting has little to do with 'dear God, help me make it til bedtime.' That it's all about a 24/7 eighteen year marathon. Exhausting, rewarding, frustrating, joyful, scary, and exhilarating. And that this seemingly endless journey calls forth the absolute best, and worst, of who we really are at the center of our beings.
And yes, there are attainable goals to the marathon ... that might never be realized. There are no guarantees, no 1+1=2 equation that brings success. When all is said and done, all we can do is parent well, and pray fervently that our children will choose to follow Christ. And that the season will arrive where they will become adults of godly character and integrity.
With the strength that God supplies and we so desperately need, we are able to model the fruit of the Spirit {Galatians 5:22-23}. Get to fully appreciate and continually affirm to our children how they've been uniquely shaped and gifted by their Creator {Proverbs 22:6}. Gently, firmly, and consistently, mold and shape their wills without breaking their spirits {Deuteronomy 11:19}. And verbally bless them day in and day out, holding up in front of them the vision of all that they can be in Jesus Christ.
As a counselor, I've found John Rosemond's resources to be spot-on ... and have had more than one client tell me that his advice has become a parenting lifeline. His back-to-the-basics, no-nonsense philosophy resonates for many who are weary of our child-centered culture and tired of the psycho-babble that's accompanied it. In a recent newsletter, he highlighted some basics that he believes reflect Truly Terrific Kids and Truly Terrific Parenting. He maintains that this child ...
1. Eats whatever foods he is served, without complaint.
2. Does his homework without being told, does at least 90 percent without asking for help, and does his best in school.
3. Looks an adult in the face when spoken to and responds appropriately.
4. Asks for something by saying “Please.”
5. Receives something by saying “Thank you.”
6. Declines something by saying “No, thank you.”
7. Addresses adults as Mr., Miss, or Mrs. as opposed to using their first names.
8. Obeys classroom and playground rules at all times.
9. Neither creates nor participates in conflicts with or between peers.
10. Knows not to enter an elevator until everyone who so desires has exited.
11. Does not use a cell phone, for talking or texting, in social situations.
12. Goes to bed, in his own bed, without complaint and goes quickly off to sleep.
13. Does not often create or participate in sibling conflict (If an only child, this point is automatically earned).
14. Accepts responsibility when confronted with misdeeds.
15. Does not interrupt adult conversations, including phone conversations.
There's a few strongly pivotal threads that run through this list. Appreciation for others. A strong work ethic. Owning responsibility. Respect for authority.
So if you're in the midst of this high and holy calling {for that's what parenthood is really all about}, take heart. Keep your eye on the goal ... the caliber of person that God desires that little one to be at age 18. 25. And 30. Don't become weary in doing the right thing {Galatians 6:9}. Be strong and don't cave in to their endless demands that life must be on their terms. And refuse to throw up your hands in frustration.
Our final task in the marathon is to release them to live their lives as they reach adulthood. And they get to choose what they'll do with all that was modeled and taught along the way. Sadly, there are no guarantees that our children will make right choices. And, yes, we might need to do some heavy duty soul searching and humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness for mistakes that we made along the way.
But in the end, God is able to bless us with the fruit of peace, knowing that with His help, we did the best we could with what we had at the time. We are all still works in progress in this marathon called life. The Holy Spirit isn't finished with any of us. Yet.
Over at the ministry leadership blog Out of Ur, there's been several recent posts focusing on "the religious views of 20-somethings."
And I hear that this video is getting alot of press in the Christian blog world.
Once again, the issue of the faith of the next generation is on the table.
Or did it ever leave?
Writer Brandon J. O’Brien defines what the new face of faith looks like. "Spiritual, but not religious ... Happy to believe many things at once ... Tradition and morality are valued more than belief ... Serving doesn't require believing ... Religious beliefs having very little impact on their personal or professional goals."
All this conversation is all very well and good and incredibly applicable to the church's future ministry. But it doesn't even begin to speak to the agony of parents whose kids have abandoned their parents' faith. Or choose to express their beliefs in ways that are rather incomprehensible to these parents, who are left to figure out what to do with much that they can't get their hands and hearts around.
The bottom line is that we all must work out our salvation with fear and trembling {Philippians 2:12}. Our children's faith must be authentically their own. And, yes, it can be soul-searing to watch them do so and make choices that bring us sorrow. If you've ever felt powerless as a parent, it's at these precise moments.
In the conversations I've had with heartbroken parents, this is what they've taught me:
1. I NEED TO GRIEVE
My child has not turned out the way I hoped and prayed they would. I am hurt. Frustrated. Scared. Feel disrespected {possibly a.k.a. angry.} I need to wrestle with this. I need to acknowledge any mistakes I made along the way and ask for forgiveness, but I refuse to blame myself for their choices. I need to walk through this well and come to some measure of peace. If I don't, instead of Jesus' compassionate love, bitterness will slowly begin to define my life.
2. I NEED TO LOVE
My very legitimate feelings can not come in the way of my relationship with my child. I must be respectful of their right to choose what they believe and how they live out their beliefs. I need to be very active in loving them them well in this season of our lives, in a language they understand.
3. I NEED TO REDEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP
I want a rich relationship with my child. I need to see my little one as an adult, treating them with the same respect that I want in return. I need to accept who they are today, and actively and creatively look for ways to us to connect and move ahead. I must allow my faith to give me all the comfort and wisdom I need to do this well.
4. I NEED TO STEP ASIDE
I am not the Holy Spirit. I need to "pray without ceasing" that He will do all the pursuing and convicting that my child might need. I will not entertain endless question and answer sessions that morph into hurtful and fruitless debates that go nowhere and put a wedge into our relationship.
Please know that if this is your experience, you're not alone. You share this sorrow with many other parents who have raised their children to love and serve Jesus Christ. And then have watched them choose to walk on other paths.
Are you willing to share your experience? What's helped/hasn't worked as you've walked through this valley? I invite you to click on the comment link below. And if it helps, please feel free to do it anonymously.
For all you moms out there who are over-stimulated and overwhelmed, who feel like you're running on empty, who are beyond exhausted by the constant interaction and activity that define this season of life, this post by Cynthia, self-described "hippie housewife," will assure you that you're not alone.
And yes, there are some simple steps you can take to replenish that rapidly emptying well.
She writes, "Some days I just don't know how to do it. Where I can find solace in some quiet, reflective activity instead of doing what needs to be done? What about ME? Can I just have one hour with no one talking to me, touching me, or needing something from me? Where I'm not being constantly dragged out of my thoughts and back into the needs of everyone else? There are days that are especially difficult, filled with unexpected interactions with ..."
Hey, overloaded mom! Let's lose the frustration, the guilt. Let's stop beating ourselves up and comparing ourselves to super-mom down the street. Let's understand who we are and embrace the beautiful intricacies of the way God designed us.
Yes, we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" {Psalm 139}. Yes, we are able, by His grace and strength, to be incredibly loving, effective parents. And yes, someday your children just might arise and call you blessed {Proverbs 31:28}.
I think I might have been standing near the end of the line when God dispensed the gift of patience. I understand that it's a fruit of the Spirit {Galatians 5:22-23}. And God knows how much I adore Him. But patience is one of the first things to go when I'm frustrated or tired.
Ask those who know me best.
Thanks to some very compelling insights from Ann Voskamp, I've learned this year that impatience springs from a heart where gratitude is not prized.
I've been putting more focus on having a grateful heart.
I love what Ann wrote recently as she worked to create a pancake breakfast with her young children, "When we pour pancake batter into a griddle, they shape up like battered, misshapen hearts that sizzle and pop.
A little one looms dangerously close to heat.
A boy anxiously slops more batter. A lanky one flips prematurely, batter oozing, dripping. The sensitive child bursts into tears that the hearts are all smeared, the rings mashed. Oldest, with egg poised to crack, asks if I want more?
More? More? It’s all a bit too much. I sense a loudness, akin to a pleading howl, surging close to my lips" ... {finish reading}
God always has something to teach us. He's always inviting us into something deeper and more substantial. In the midst of the morning chaos. During the demanding, exhausting child-rearing years. And as we make our way through the many frustrations and hurts that are all part of living in a fallen world.
The big question - Are we willing to receive what He longs to give us?
Have you been blessed with a little introvert in your home? Baffled, just a bit frustrated, yet captivated by who she is? I think you're going to appreciate Susan Cain's tips for parenting introverted children.
An introverted lawyer, consultant, and author, Susan Cain has created a simple, yet comprehensive list that will greatly help moms and dads recognize who their introverted child is and equip these parents {and teachers and well-meaning relatives} to guide little introverts in a direction that acknowledges and respects the fullness of who they are.
The ones that really jumped out and grabbed me?
If you’re an introvert, try not to project your own history onto your child.
If your child is shy, don’t let her hear you call her by that label.
Teach her to stand up for herself.
Introverted kids usually have the capacity to develop great passions.
Cultivate these enthusiasms.
Respect your child’s desire for time and space to play alone.
Click here to discover all TEN TIPS ... along with some very wise observations.
I think you'll find that these illuminating guidelines will serve you well as you become a more astute, discerning student of your child, closely observing, appreciating, and delighting in who God has created her to be, with all her uniqueness, intricacies, and quirks.
And what if that little introvert is now almost as tall as you? I believe that it's never too late for a fresh start.
May God give you wisdom, stamina, and joy as you "train a child in the way he should go"
{Proverbs 22:6}.
They've always been around. Snotty. Snooty. Hurtful with their dirty looks and cut-to-the-core comments. Shunning, exclusive. They make it very clear that you're not in their club.
Bully boys.
Stick and stones and fists. They throw their weight around. Intimidating those who are weaker, more vulnerable.
Hurt people hurt people. And it often starts young. In the home, neighborhood, playground, bus. The church. Face-to-face bullying has the potential to escalate to cyber-bullying. And although you may try to protect your child from being so disrespectfully regarded, the truth is that our children don't live in a bubble. Sooner or later they will, most likely, encounter a malicious peer.
WHAT'S A PARENT TO DO?
= We will build a home that is safe, loving, and responsive to our children's needs.
= We will model "speaking the truth in love," with respect, for others.
= We will work together with our children to memorize Scriptures that teach them to claim who they are in Christ.
= We will teach our children how to assert themselves with appropriate confidence and boldness.
= We will assist our children in discovering interesting activities where they can excel and healthy friends to enjoy those interests with them.
= We will pro-actively respond to our children's hurts. We will not hand-wring, over-react, under-react, or sit idly by with the news that our children are facing challenges.
= We will advocate for our children when they are not able to defend themselves.
= We will not hide our heads in the sand if we discover that ourchild is the bully.
= If we ourselves have been ostracized or bullied along the way, we will make the choice to deal with those buried wounds, in order to freely respond to our children's struggles with gentle understanding and quiet confidence.
The grandkids call my sister "Beautiful Great-Aunt Marilyn"! She's worked with lots of children and their families in crisis, and encouraged Jenn to get some books from the library to help prepare Lydia (Katie and Andrew, too) for her hospital stay ...
What resources do you know of for hospital-bound children and their siblings? Linda
1. Make sure that your children know they are worthy just because they are God's children.
2. Give unconditional love at all times.
3. Be alert to any signs that your children may be developing a distorted self-image - seeing themselves as unworthy, useless, less than adequate.
4. At all times, verbally affirm the positive strengths you see in your child.
5. Every child has unique gifts, so intentionally try to help your child discover what these unique strengths are, even if they are not on your agenda or value list!
6. Make sure that the feedback you give your child is not distorted by your own desires or disappointments.
7. Provide an atmosphere of complete trust for your child.
8. Some negative feedback in life is inevitable, and probably true, so every child must develop the courage to face up to, and learn, whatever he/she can from it.
9. Critical to a healthy sense of self is the development of a trustworthy 'self-evaluating internal filter' that will acknowledge the positive things about oneself, and not hoard the negative things. By allowing your child to share their successes, failures, and feelings with you, you can strengthen the accuracy of this filter.
10. A healthy self-esteem cannot be built just on achieving a lot of success.
I love this article in today's local paper that addresses the myths that mothers wrestle with. I found Dr. Lubna Somjee to be "right on," having spent most of my adult life in the role of being a mom. Both of my daughters are now moms, and so I dedicate this post to them and to all the other moms out there - young and not so young, who struggle with the often difficult, exhausting reality of all that motherhood entails.
- Kristin & Jennifer -
Myth 1 Good mothers want to be with their children all the time.
Myth 2 A good mother can do it all.
Myth 3
I am a bad mother if I have other interests in my life.
Myth 4
I was told missing my pre-mom life makes me a bad mother.
Myth 5
Being a good mother means never complaining about your children.
- Melanie, Katie, Andrew, Lydia, Alexa -
So, lose the guilt trip, mom! And rid yourself of those old energy-sapping tapes that run through your head that say you're "not enough." You need that energy to care for your children - whether toddlers or teenagers.
Go ahead and free yourself up to celebrate your children, their uniqueness, and this very special role God has called you to in this season. Take a deep breath. Stay calm. Stay focused. Stop comparing yourself to the next-door supermom. Continue to develop the other areas of your life. Don't neglect your husband. And do cultivate your sense of humor!
You're raising the next generation of Christ-followers. He promises to give us "everything we need for life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3). And that includes parenting!
We recently began a blog conversation focusing on young adults who walk away from the faith. Click here to read that post and the deep, thought-filled responses that it generated. Carol in NY continues the dialogue as she sends along an article entitled "From Youth Group to Agnosticism." The author considers several "straws that broke the camel's back":
* Victims of Formulaic Parenting
* Confusing Doctrinal and Spiritual Knowledge with True Spirituality
I loved this article in a recent edition of the local paper ... and if you have adult children living in your home ... or if you are over the age of 18 and are bunking in with "the parentals," this is a good read.
Humor couches 6 common sense, respectful guidelines for making this often difficult relationship work well.
Based on many conversations I've had over the years with both parents and young adult children, I believe the author's experience just might provide a bit of good fodder for some much-needed, long overdue conversations ...
It was a non-negotiable when I was growing up. And as we raised our children.
I've had a number of conversations with grieving parents who are grappling with what went wrong along the way. They did all the right things. They faithfully brought their kids to church. To Sunday School. Youth Group. Christian camp. Christian school. They "lived for Christ" at home the best they could. They did all the right things.
And then their kids opted out. Checked out of the faith. Wandered off. And kicked off lots of coulda/woulda/shoulda soul-searching and deep grief and despair to their very perplexed parents.
Click here to check out some very surprising stats ...
The good news is that many of these young adults continue to wrestle with God. They are trying to figure out what their faith looks like. And doesn't look like. And that's a good thing. Because "they don't have to be like me to be like Him." It has to be their relationship with Christ. Not their parents'.
And for this rite of passage to do its work, parents need to do one of the hardest things they've ever done. Finally release their children. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. To stand on their own feet. To make their own way.
And the seeds that have been planted have not been in vain. They continue to be watered by fervent, tear-filled prayers as these wise parents finally let their children go and watch them continue their rocky journey into the world of adulthood.
And this is prime opportunity for their own faith to be stretched and deepened, as well ... if they, themselves, do the often difficult work of simply sitting with God. Allowing the Holy Spirit to lead them into some deep soul-searching. Absorbing and applying the timeless truths of Scripture. Discovering new treasures of faith in the darkness of "the waiting room."
And then surprisingly, or maybe not, the sun begins to shine. Slowly, tentatively. Faith is often resurrected when these young adults become parents ... and they begin to see the wisdom and value and validity of the "faith of their fathers." And begin to embrace it for themselves and for their newly formed families.
And they begin to bring their children to Sunday School ...
- Kristin & Jennifer -
