There is within each of us a yearning to be heard. To be known, to be validated, to be understood.
Good listeners are hard to find. We're way too busy planning our brilliant, witty responses. Or juggling our endless mental to-do lists. We're all about focusing on what's coming next. Or figuring out how to make a fast exit.
And the soul in desperate need of an attentive companion silently shrinks back into herself, yet another casualty of our endless self-absorption.
And we wonder why we seem to come up short when it comes to deep relationships, the kindred spirit kind.
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Henri Nouwen said it best. 'To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.
Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves.
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The barometer of your listening savvy? You are so safe for another that she can feel free to silently rest in the hospitality of your company without the need of words ... or fear of judgement.
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Hi Linda! I do love Henri Nouwen. There is a big difference between deciding to give someone some time to talk, and listening. I think he made that distinction very clear. I love to hear other people's stories. But if someone is talking about something I find uninteresting, it's a real EFFORT to stay engaged.
ReplyDeleteI have to follow my will, not my emotions. Hard to do! You get plenty of listening practice in your work, I bet you are a really good listener.
Blessings on this Monday :0
Ceil
Yes, Nouwen speaks truth again and again. Wounded healers are able to do that, by God's grace. I'm betting he was a superb listener ...
DeleteI'm definitely not a good listener, who always try to dominate a conversation rather than just listen and understand. I've recently joined a group called a healing circle, organized by my dear friend, where we learn to listen instead of giving advice to each other. It's amazing how much we can open up ourselves to one another when we know we are going to be heard :)
ReplyDeleteI'd love to hear more about that healing circle, Yuko. And yes, it can take some of us awhile to muzzle up and be still and attentive. But oh the rich benefits that result ...
DeleteMy instinct is always to "Fix" whatever you are trying to tell me. My daughter finally told me when she was in college, "Mom, I just need you to listen." Wise counsel I try to take to heart!
ReplyDeleteDoesn't it just knock us over when it hits us that our children are wiser than we ever thought of being at their age? I love that you were able to hear her well, Lulu ...
DeleteResting in the peace of this delightful photograph and finding wisdom in these words... Thank you, Linda.
ReplyDelete"True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known." Wow. What a powerful, sobering truth. Thanks for speaking it in love. I needed this tonight.
~HBHW
Yes, when Christ has come to define us, we begin to stop looking to everyone or everything to fill the gaping hole. As we are filled to greater depth by the Spirit, His beauty springs overflows to touch those around us. And often, that is without words.
DeleteThanks for coming by, HBHW. I hope this is a good week for you!
Oh, I know I'm not always a good listener. I try but so easily distracted. What I do appreciate is how I've become more aware of this and really do try to improve. I know how much it means to me to have someone truly listen to me and I want to be that person for others. Thank you for this today, Linda. You always bless.
ReplyDeleteBecoming aware is a huge gift we give ourselves ... and then the choices open wide, yes?
DeleteGood to see you again, Beth ...
Linda,
ReplyDeleteSuch a wise post on the importance and the difficulty of listening well, which is part of loving well, and building close relationships....I find I can listen to another person much better if I first unburden myself and talk to God..blessings to you :)
I think you have hit on something brilliant here, Dolly - 'I find I can listen to another person much better if I first unburden myself and talk to God.'
DeleteYes, yes! Because in Him we live and move and have our being. As we leave our own neediness in His loving arms, we are filled and touched. And then the conversations that come our way are all about the companion, not about the void that's been inside us.
Thanks for sharing this wisdom, Dolly. I am thankful you are here. Truly.
Excellent thoughts, Linda! At times I've thought back on a lunch date with a friend and thought, "Good grief, did I dominate the talking?" On the other hand I've been accused of not sharing enough of myself, lol. It's a difficult balance for an introvert! If I say anything at all I usually feel like I've talked too much! Like now, I'll stop {smile}. Have a blessed day, my friend!
ReplyDeleteNope, you haven't talked too much! Not around here!
DeleteAnd don't you love those kind of friends where you can just be yourself, not have to weigh and measure your words ... those sweethearts are priceless, aren't they?
Hugs to you today! I am glad you are here, my friend.
I have a sister who thinks she's not doing anything for a particular friend in grief, yet she listens to this friend on the phone many, many nights. I tell her that's a true gift! Not many people are such faithful and enduring listeners. Thanks for this reminder, Linda, that we can all up our game on becoming better listeners. It's a valuable ministry.
ReplyDeleteAn enduring friendship is one of the rarest of gifts ... a treasure that lasts over a long stretch of time. Decades.
DeleteThis is something that deserves to be applauded and nourished.
Thank you for coming by today, Lisa. You always bring wisdom with you ...
Hugs.
I've often thought that blogging itself is searching for self-validation, but then, we do give back with commenting... so I guess it's all right! :)
ReplyDeleteAll social media seems to lead us in that direction. Yes, Nancy. It's just that most of us aren't brave enough to admit that's a piece of this work that we do.
DeleteIt's up to us to figure out what we want to do with our endless quest for self-validation. But I'd say that putting it on the table is the first step. And a continuing dialogue with the only One who can give us what we crave is the next step.
This contribution today, Nancy? So very much appreciated.
Listening - one of my favorite subjects, Linda! I love it probably because in counseling training it was so foundational. Plus, we, counselors, have developed this skill/art for many years which, for me, has opened my eyes to the ways it blesses others. I'm so grateful you've highlighted that very tangible gift we give to others through our active listening today, my friend, and I hope that others will sit up and "listen!" :) Love ya!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that I've never heard someone say that listening is one of their favorite subjects! That makes you a rare find ... and an excellent people helper, my friend. If and when I ever need a counselor, I'll head out to the mid-west and hunt you down!
DeleteTil then, I can't wait to meet you IN PERSON in about 4 weeks! How fun!
;-}
Yay! Getting excited thinking about that face-to-face meeting, Linda! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe that I'm gonna meet a sweet bloggin' sister from way far away!
DeleteThis is so cool!