Dear Linda : : How Do I Help My Depressed Sister?

You ask the question that's weighing on your heart.

I attempt to go there with some encouraging insight ... or maybe a bit of straight talk! 

That's what these monthly Dear Linda posts are all about. 

Relationships, ministry leadership, 

life balance, homekeeping, or other random challenges?

Let's put it right on the table.  

Before you leave today,
please leave a comment with YOUR question
OR 

for confidentiality, email me at Linda@CreeksideMinistries.com 

Keep in mind that I'm a board certified pastoral counselor and a certified life coach ...

not a doctor, lawyer, biblical scholar, licensed mental health professional, or miracle worker.

This month ...

]   [

Dear Linda ~

I am navigating through new waters.  My sister is depressed and really struggles with negative thinking.  When she continues to repeat 'I can't' or 'I don't think things will ever be better,' I am so overwhelmed.

What is a helpful way for me to respond?  I don't want to negate her feelings, but I do want to help her not be stuck in them and powerless to move through the day.

~ Overwhelmed in New York

*

Dear Overwhelmed ~

Bottom line?  Few things in life can be more challenging than caring for someone who is depressed.  It's hard to love another soul who has lost all sense of hope without ending up feeling hopeless and depleted ourselves.

We're not talking about the occasional blues here.  Depression is a complex medical condition that has strong emotional /physical / spiritual / mental health components.  It often descends gradually, can be associated with a number of other illnesses or hormonal imbalances, and may also be a side effect of certain medications.

Depression is often accompanied by unresolved anger turned inward ... or anxiety.  It's a terrifying place to find oneself.

Anger's all about hurt, frustration, fear, or being disrespected.  When these very real pain-filled emotions are continually shoved deep inside and left untended and then combined with a myriad of physical / biochemical maladies, depression can often end up making its way to the forefront.

I know.  I've been there, done that.  Since my own redemptive healing, I have worked with countless women who do battle with this insidious disease.  And yes, with proper ongoing medical care and supportive long term counsel, most go on to live amazing, productive lives.

  ]   [

A BIT OF COUNSEL FOR THE CAREGIVER

1.  Be a safe place for her to fall.
Offer her your faithful, reassuring presence.  Sometimes just being gently present and sitting quietly can be a soothing gift.  Hearing and validating her deep pain lets her know that she's not alone.  Simple responses like, 'yes, I hear you,' can be a great life-giving comfort.


2.  Forget about pat answers, trying to talk her out of her feelings, or attempting to fix the situation. 
Few things are more deeply frustrating to the depressed soul.  This is a dark, complex valley to journey through.  There are no easy answers.  Hope is what she yearns for, yet we need to be discerning when we feel we must say a word.

If the caregiver persists in trying to utilize these three futile no-nos, the ill one is likely to get far worse before she gets better.  And her resentment of your attempts will be yet one more burden that she, and you, have to bear.


3.  Discover what would encourage her, empower her, or give her a sense of peace.
Ask simple questions like 'what can I do for you today?' or 'what one thing would make you feel just a bit better?'  This allows her to verbalize what she needs and can be a step toward empowering her to pursue healing.  If she has no answer, see if she can do a 5 minute walk.  Would like to curl up with a movie.  Or find a foot rub to be relaxing.


4.  Help her pull together a healing team.
Don't go this alone, friend.  With her permission and input, work together to create a healing team to support her.  Only a medical doctor can give a clear diagnosis and be the one to work out a medication plan that will move her ahead.  A trained counselor who can help her unpack her pain and teach her to learn new ways to respond to life's challenges is a must.  A few friends that truly get it, that will go the long haul, can be life-savers.  A pastor with a tender heart?  A massage therapist?  A nutritionist?  A support group?  A creative outlet like art or pet therapy?  Whatever it takes.

Caution - even the most qualified of professionals should not attempt to counsel family or close friends. You are unable to be objective because you're emotionally involved with the person.  And, bottom line, it's unethical.  Period.


5.  Be discerning when using Scripture or bringing God into the situation.
Sadly, too many Christians believe that depression is simply a spiritual issue or that there is always unconfessed sin that must be ferreted out.  This kind of thinking is unrealistic and destructive and does nothing but heap guilt and shame on the one who is already suffering greatly.  Advising against medical intervention or the proper use of medication blatantly disregards the serious physical / biochemical components of this disease.

Lobbing verses at a suffering soul is cruel and a mis-use of God's sacred Word.  Depression is truly the darkest night of the soul.  Be respectful of where she is spiritually and always ask her permission before you share a verse or a prayer.

I encourage my clients to begin to work through the Psalms, just sitting with a verse or two at a time, when they are willing and able. David experienced depression and yet he clung to God for life and worshipped Him wholeheartedly.  Knowing that even 'a man after God's own heart' experienced the lowest of the lows can be a beautiful, healing solace.


6.  ALWAYS pay attention if there's any talk of suicide.
Taking action is always the best choice.  CLICK HERE for the questions to ask, the warning signs to look for, and when to make the call for help.


7.  Do what you need to do to stay healthy yourself.
Stay active, stay sane, live your life.  Beware of becoming totally immersed in your loved one's pain.  Getting the sleep you need, staying far away from junk food, exercising, and spending time with people who are healthy and whole are must-dos.  Continually release your burdens to God.  And get prayer support from others ... without sharing unnecessary details.

And yes, you might want to check in with a counselor / life coach periodically to be sure that you're not accumulating any of your own emotional baggage as you walk through this most difficult valley.

  ]   [

RESOURCES - click on links

Mayo Clinic

National Institute of Mental Health

WebMD

Depression Self-Assessment

CREEKSIDE POSTS - click on links
finding a Christian counselor

my own season of depression

more of my burnout story - {especially for ministry leaders}

the church - hospital or courtroom?

the food / mood link

one woman's journey through her husband's depression


THREE HELPFUL WORKBOOKS FOR THOSE WHO STRUGGLE 

If you've suffered from depression, what's been your lifeline?

If you've been a caregiver, 
what encouraging words do you have for those who find themselves in that role?

]   [

Please share this post with those who need hope.  The links are below.

Linking up with Mary & Holley