I have been a Christian for most of my life and believe that God answers prayer, even if the answer is not what I want.
My daughter has been estranged from our family for over 5 years. We have not seen her or heard from her. I have prayed for her and for our broken relationship to be repaired.
I ask God to help me accept the situation and give me His peace, but it hasn't happened.
Am I praying the wrong way?
Heartbroken
/ / / /
Dear Heartbroken ~
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I assure you that there is no wrong way to pray, that God hears our hearts even when our cries are wordless. Jesus knew the pain of broken relationships. He grieves with you. Yes, He does.
There is so little to say that wouldn't sound trite or simplistic in the face of your daughter's choice to walk away. A few thoughts that may offer you some comfort ...
> an unmailed letter
Sometimes writing a letter to the one who has caused such pain can be a huge release. Find yourself a stack of loose leaf paper, a quiet place, a big box of tissues, and give yourself a good chunk of time.
Share your happiest memories and spell out all the reasons you love her. Talk about the dreams you had for your future as a family. Confess any mistakes you've made and ask her for forgiveness.
And then write about all the ways she has hurt you and your family by her choices. Spell it out in detail. Let it fly. Uncensored. All of it.
And then the hard part.
Tell her that you're sick and tired of the grief and are done trying to understand or fix or even accept the situation. And that you're releasing her into God's care.
This is excruciating. But it also can be very freeing.
Don't mail this. Have a little burning ceremony outside or put it through the shredder. If it would help, invite a loved one to be there with you for support. And then go and do something good for yourself.
> the prayer that never fails
In Jan Karon's delightful fictional Mitford series, Father Tim often prays the prayer that never fails, 'Thy will be done.' Prayed with hands lifted high, these four words of Jesus are truly freeing, because we release our expectations and hopes and grief up to Him and allow Him to do what He does best ... be the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.
> a quick release
Every time your daughter wanders through your heart or crosses your mind, choose to show yourself grace and release her immediately back up to God. Refuse to allow endless scenarios to play in your mind. Refuse to beat yourself up with regrets and woulda / coulda / shouldas.
Like Abraham, you're laying your Isaac on the altar. This, your living sacrifice, might be the hardest task you'll ever face. You might never know why you've had to live with such heartache. But somehow, by His unyielding grace, His presence can be enough. He promises that His power is made perfect in your weakness.
And when we are weak and grieving and weary, He is strong.
> discovering the invitation
God is always inviting us to something deeper, stronger, more substantial. 'What are You inviting me to in the middle of this, Lord?' is a continued prayer that just might begin to turn the corner for you.
Please know that I'm praying ~
/ / /
Would you please leave an encouraging word for Heartbroken?
And if you'd leave a question for me,
I'll do my best to respond in a future Dear Linda post.
Or you can email me
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/
visiting with
Profound, Linda! Word of wisdom to help walk the path of grief and survive.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, Friend as you use your gifts to minister to the hurting!
Yes, yes, Lulu ... we can survive our griefs and sorrows. He has borne them and He weeps with us, our Healer, the Lover of our souls ...
DeleteThank you for starting this conversation off. This is a difficult one ...
Blessings, dear friend.
Never as easy one Linda. NEVER. And certainly not for the one who has watched someone they love just leave. I think it is the uncertainty which really drags at you. That being said, you have given some good words for her. To "her" whomever she is: I pray you will find peace for your restless heart. A reassuring "hug" from your Father who never lets you down. Linda has given you some good advice. It is not easy but essential.
ReplyDeleteUncertainty. Yes, Bill. That's huge, isn't it, in all its many facets ...
DeleteI so appreciate your pastor-heart. And that you share it here in this community.
Such good advice here for all of us, Linda. We all have painful situations that are difficult to let go of. Your last point stands out the most to me: "What are You inviting me to in the middle of this, Lord?" Great question that we all need to ponder! It's right now that God is giving grace to your writer and to each of us....
ReplyDeleteYes, we all have painful someones or somethings that we need to release. And if we haven't, we soon will.
DeleteEven in the middle of our pain, He is beckoning us forward, closer to Himself. I am so grateful.
Thanks for being here bearing your encouraging words, Lisa. I so appreciate it ...
I pray that God comforts "her". May she find peace and rest in God's love.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda for checking up on me.
The past week incidents were unexpected! In the midst of the xenophobic attacks in South Africa! God kept my family and many of my friends safe. I am grateful you came by my dear friend.
But in the midst of violence the Lord granted us peace and safety. I have learnt a number of things in the midst these events, if I am led I may share about them.
God Bless
Praying God's protection over you and yours in South Africa, Ifeoma. And asking this online community to join me in lifting you up to His loving care ...
DeletePeace, peace, He whispers.
Linda, Love your advice here. I often write to release feelings. I love your insight on what God is inviting her into...something deeper. Great for all of us to remember.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Kim. I've found writing to be a kind of salvation ... a freedom from whirling thoughts and surprising emotions that needed to be sorted through, understood, respected. And dealt with.
DeleteThanks for being here today. Truly!
You are such a blessing to this online world, Linda. This is such good advice but mostly I think what touches me most is that as you read your wisdom it feels like I am sitting across from a dear friend. Such tenderness and care in your words. Oh how I wish we lived closer to one another. Oh, by the way, my younger son is headed to New York soon. :)
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you.
xoxo
Well, if he's headed to NY, maybe you'll be up for a visit sooner or later!
DeleteWhat fun!
;-}
And thanks for these words that encourage me this evening, Beth. Any tenderness, any care comes from the One Who has tenderly cared for me in my pain. I praise Him for His mercy ...
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Most of us have someone like this, so it resonates.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate you!
You said it well, Sarah. This resonates, doesn't it ...
DeletePlease know you are appreciated, too, friend.
Wise words, Linda. I pray that they will comfort Heartbroken and that God will use this venue to bless and encourage her. Heartbroken, never doubt His love for you and His love for your daughter.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, His sacred love is vast and filled with comfort and peace ...
DeleteThanks, June, for stopping by. You encourage me.
I can't even imagine this, and I wouldn't have a clue what to say! Your words are so much more eloquent and articulate than mine would be with such a sensitive topic.. God bless you! <3 - www.domesticgeekgirl.com
ReplyDeleteFor sure, this is a sensitive sadness. I tread very very lightly when offering this kind of counsel. The broken heart is a fragile place to wander ...
DeleteThanks for being part of this conversation, Gingi.
Hi Linda! I have a son who left the faith, and it hurts every time I think about it. I do pray too, hoping that someone will be Christ to him, and bring him back.
ReplyDeleteI resonate with the idea that when I think negatively, I need to release it to God. Those are wise words. I could write letters and burn them, but I'd still think about it. Giving my heart's desire to the Lord, I have to surrender to His will. It's hard...but His will needs to be done.
Very sensitive treatment of a tough thing. Thank you,
Ceil
You bring up an important point, Ceil, in praying that someone will be Christ to your child. After awhile there's little a family member can say or do when there's some kind of rift. That God might send a wise person into their lives to speak truth is a hope we can cling to.
DeleteAnd you're so right ... surrendering to His will is tough stuff. Especially when it flies in the face of all that seems to make sense.
Thanks for sharing with us today, friend.
Linda,
ReplyDeleteWhat wise words...I also loved Tim K's advice about "Thy will be done"...it is so hard to do because God gives us the freedom to come or to leave and the same is for our loved ones...Thanks.
Freedom has its drawbacks, I guess. At least temporarily ...
DeleteThis is a heartbreaking situation, Linda. Your words of comfort and advice here are invaluable. What a gift you are, my friend. I'm praying for Heartbroken as well. If it helps at all, I was once that lost daughter that left my family in pursuit of drugs. It was an incredibly difficult time for my mother. God performs miracles. He certainly did with me. Much love to both you and heartbroken!
ReplyDeleteThat you were lost and now you're found is a great encouragement today, Candace. Thanks for reminding us that miracles still do happen.
DeleteNow ... to trust wholeheartedly even when those miracles don't show up when we want them to.
Hard stuff.
He is able.
Oh my such a heartbreaking story but such kind and wise words to share with those who are going through this difficult situation. I love the unmailed letter idea because I can think of a different situation in my life where this would be a very freeing act of release for me. Thank you for being this voice for the broken and broken-hearted today.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note-I love the Mitford series and of course the prayer "Thy will be done". Have a beautiful week!
Yep, that unmailed letter idea has worked its healing touch in the lives of many women I've worked with over the years.
DeleteSome things just must be said. But not necessarily shared.
Except with the One who loves us best.
Thanks, Mary, for your input this evening. It matters!
Oh sweet lady I love your letter. I do hope that the person who is dealing with this sadness gets to read your beautiful advice. It is so hard to let things go and let God be in control, isn't it? My word, so hard sometimes! I just had to go thru this process with someone close to me (the letting go part) and the things that you write of are all TRUE! These are some great tools to help others let their cares be carried by the Great Unburdener. Love this advice lady! Praying it can encourage others too. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou've said it well, Nicki ... it is so hard to let things go and let God be in control. Our human nature grasps at taking back what we've released into His care.
DeleteOh, to entrust those we love most to the Great Unburdener.
This post popped up in my feedly a couple of night's ago as we were getting ready for bed. I read it to my man, and then we prayed and slept quite peacefully.
ReplyDeletexo
Sleeping in heavenly peace. What a gift He gave you ... may that continue night after night, Lyli.
DeleteLinda,
ReplyDeleteYour words of encouragement are inspired -- this is truly your calling! What a difficult situation the writer is in, but your words to think of this difficulty as her living sacrifice are words that speak straight to the heart. They can encourage all of us no matter our situation, friend!
Truth be told, who wants to do the living sacrifice thing? It just plain hurts too much, yes?
DeleteHe has to do it in us, with us, for us. We just can't pull this off on our own ...
Godly and heartfelt advice, Linda! Releasing our child to God, or anyone or anything we hold dear, is so difficult and yet so right. It is a blessing to know that He loves our children even more than we do! Linked up with you at Thought-Provoking Thursday -- hope you'll stop by Saved by Grace for a visit!
ReplyDeleteGod bless,
Laurie
http://savedbygracebiblestudy.blogspot.com/
Exactly! I've often found reassurance in claiming that He loves them even more than I do. What a sweet release ...
DeleteThanks for being here, Laurie!
The title made me want to read more. For me though, I am the daughter who is having to release her mother to God. I am the one having to distance myself and step back. My mother has a borderline personality disorder and it has done incredible damage to our relationship. I appreciate the point of every time she crosses my heart, I should release her back to God. It has been very, very difficult and I have tried to cope for the last 20+ years that she has exhibited symptoms. But it takes a toll on my family. My kids don't want to see me cry every time she has an episode. My husband is tired of seeing me hurt so deeply. It crushes my heart to decide to create distance, but it is for the best. Actually, it kind of 'naturally' happened. I just don't argue with her - or try to be 'right'. And her words and behaviour have pushed me away.
ReplyDeleteYour story will ring true for many, friend. Thank you for sharing just a portion of your pain with us here.
DeleteMuch of my work as a counselor has been with women like yourself who've been wounded by their families of origin. There's an important need to sort through the damage that's been done over the years, to call it what it is, to release that person from the power they've had in our lives through forgiveness {not necessarily reconciliation}, and then to choose how to move on in ways that are healthy and sane and honor Christ ... these are all huge steps that are so necessary if we're going to live well.
The need to create boundaries is a huge issue that's best done from a place of 'power, love, and a sound mind.' These guidelines keep us and our families safe and secure and allow us to choose if and how to connect with those who will not get the help they need to get healthy.
Again, thank you for being here with us. I hope it's helped to unpack just a bit of the burden you carry. Blessings, friend ...
Sometimes our children go on a journey - like Jacob, like the prodigal - and I've learned that God is pursuing them passionately - that He doesn't want a one lost! When I realized that God was working in ways I could not, that I just needed to be still and wait - it's hard - but the hope it gives! God's got it. You might not see it now - but He's got it! I understand that pain - I live believing hope and faith is real. Thank you for sharing your heart - the care, the love, the nurturing! ~Maryleigh
ReplyDeleteMaryleigh, this - 'God's got it. You might not see it now - but He's got it!'
DeleteAnd to live believing hope and faith is real ... so powerful. Thanks for joining this conversation. Your words matter greatly and I am grateful you're here.
Fabulous steps Linda. What a blessing these are. I love the idea of just lifting you arms in complete surrender and saying, "Thy Will Be Done". That is a gift and there is so much power in reminding your soul who it is all about. Cheering you on from the #RaRalinkup on Purposeful Faith.
ReplyDeletemmm ... when all is said and done, what else can we do, but lift our hands high and pray that prayer. Without this choice, peace will never be found ...
DeleteThanks for the encouraging words, Kelly!
I hurt on both fronts....I am the daughter who left for her safety (there was abuse going on behind my mother's back from the time I was age 5 -31 the day I left). My mother told me the day I told her I was leaving that she and my father would Disown me and for the past 12 years she has been true to her word.
ReplyDeleteBut before I left this volatile situation with the help of my now husband and his family, my mother forced me to give up both of my beautiful children, my daughter to her when my baby girl was only 4 months old and my 2 1/2 year old son to my ex-husband who beat me. Then while i was getting medical care for disabling conditions I have had as a result of the neglect, abuse, and trauma I faced growing up my mother told both of my children I did not want them that I had abandoned them even though I was writing and sent cards and presents for years.
I just spoke with my 75 year old father on the phone yesterday and he and I made up and I was able to Forgive him and to honestly tell him I loved him. My mother on the other hand has taken up with other men and has let bitterness take root in her heart and my daughter is sticking with her since my mother is in control of all of my father's money. My Father has Dementia.
I just wrote my daughter about a couple of months ago to let her know that I have had Cancer for the past 2 years and she told me, " I will be happy when you are dead". But I know my enemy is not my mother or even my daughter but the dark forces at work behind them so I have given them both to God. I am in God's Word every day. That is where I get my Peace...when I make the time to meet with God. I have peace but when I do not I have heartache, pain and regret. So Dear Heartbroken, I mean this in the most loving way, I want to let you know that God can love your daughter better than you ever can and you can trust Him with her. Just keep praying for her. But also lift your voice in praise to God and Thankfulness for your daughter. If I may suggest this, a great movie to watch is War Room. Then do it {{{hugz}}}} and Love From a Motherless Child and a Childless Mother.