Wrong.
In "Why Sex Is So Important To Your Wife, Dennis Rainey sensitively addresses a growing phenomenon that FamilyLife is observing from the couples they hear from: 20% - 30% of husbands have a "passivity toward physical intimacy."
Bottom line? He believes that "a marriage devoid of romance and sexual appreciation with each other is not how God designed marriage to function." And it's usually not a physical problem, but "a dysfunction of the heart — anger, resentment, and bitterness."
Click here to read the article, check out the 7 powerful questions husbands need to ask themselves, and begin to understand the impact that saying "not tonight, dear" most likely is having on your wife - and the quality and strength of your marriage.
Linda
"The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality - the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to 'stand up for your rights.' Marriage is a decision to serve the other whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting - but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenuous way of tempting us when we least expect it ..."
- 1 Corinthians 7 {The Message}.
- photo by ashley_tarr -
With 20% male reluctance and 80% of females reaching for the Tylenol, the myth seems very much alive. My male friends, if poled, would only hope that they were the ones with headaches.
ReplyDeleteThanks for telling me about this site, Nick. Some of my male friends have given up after hearing repeatedly, "Not tonight, Dear. I've got a headache." What happens after being turned down "70 x 7" ?
ReplyDeleteI do believe that the big key for both spouses is the issues of the heart. Based on many conversations with both men and women, I agree with Rainey when he says there's often a dysfunction caused by hurt, frustration, fear, resentment, bitterness, anger, etc.
ReplyDeleteAll that's true for us emotionally will certainly affect us sexually.
As spouses are able to speak truth to each other with love and respect and get those things out of the deep recesses of their souls, they are able to begin to head toward healing and a safer relationship begins to form.
And as husband and wife find the other to be safe, it's much more likely that they'll want to be connected - in all the ways that matter most.
Thanks for your thoughts, guys ... it's good to get this conversation on the table in a way that's respectful.
Linda,
ReplyDeleteAll of what you say may be true, but after a man has been shut down for so long, he just shuts down himself. I think that we as men are more reluctant to have those conversatons. Could it be that the damage done in a woman's past keeps her from wanting that intimacy? My male friends are tired of the bait and switch. Bait to get what they want, but when it comes to intimacy, the Tylenol comes out. Wonder if women will weigh in on this one as well as your input?
Before we were married, my wife seemed to be looking forward to making love. After the "I do," she turned sexually into a fish that is colder than an Alaskan salmon.
ReplyDeleteMy wife reluctantly agrees to making love but it is just to satisfy me - I can tell that she finds no pleasure in it. That is worse than none at all.
ReplyDeleteWhether you're the husband or the wife, it's not uncommon to carry baggage from childhood, other relationships, and damaging events along the way. The huge stress of raising children, financial pressures, and the grind of every day living takes its toll and leaves us exhausted.
ReplyDeleteAnd sadly, our Christian culture has not equipped or educated us well on our sexuality and what to do with it.
And yes, husband or wife, you will shut down after being weary of the hurt and frustration of rejection -not only in bed, but the deeper rejection of who you are.
Shutting down might protect you from more hurt. But in the process it builds up walls that over time get deeper and taller. Walls that keep you and your spouse from connecting in any way that's authentic and meaningful beyond who takes out the trash and the upcoming weekend weather.
And those walls leave you both vulnerable to the attention and attraction of someone other than the one you married.
Oh how the enemy of our souls loves that ... he truly wants to divide our marriages, our families, our homes.
Maybe it's time to have a conversation or two. Maybe it's time to say that "this isn't working for me, this isn't working for us." What can we do together to bring back what's been lost along the way?
Sometimes it's helpful to have someone guide you in beginning to communicate in ways that don't wound and injure and isolate. You can find a Christian counselor at
http://www.aacc.net/resources/find-a-counselor/
I don't believe that women either like or enjoy sex - my wife does not and I don't think she is alone. So I gave it up 10 years ago. That part of my life is shut down. I choose to fill that compartment of my life with wholesome sports activities that give me pleasure. No sense in discussing what she does not want to discuss. I just accept that as part of life.
ReplyDeletehttp://www2.lcc.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=15&Itemid=40
ReplyDeleteI'm a woman and I do enjoy sex. However, I acknowledge that women do tend to develop a "headache" a lot more often than men. I feel for you men that feel there is no hope for your intimate life anymore. I would like to offer up something for you to think about. How are you appreciating your wife? When men only show affection and appreciation in the bed, it is awfully hard to respond to that. My marriage tends to suffer most in the intimate area when my husband is busy and doesn't pay me any attention until late at night when I finally hit the bed, exhausted. That's usually when my "headache" shows up. That is no excuse for me to deny my husband, but I am human and it is hard to get in mood when I feel that I am just being used in the bedroom and ignored out of it. Men, don't give up on your lady, try to court her and romance things up a bit. I bet that would help.
ReplyDeleteAs a wife is courted through the day, her thoughts and emotions acknowledged with respect and kindness, a peaceful partnership offered in caring for children and household tasks together, and an ongoing sacrificial, lavish love given {like Christ loved the church - Ephesians 5:25-30} ... all these things as part of a daily lifestyle will most likely allow her to be more responsive to her husband hours later ...
ReplyDeleteThat's why they say "making love starts in the kitchen."
Thanks for a woman's input ...
Interesting that so many men were quick to jump in and counter this blog. I sympathize with their plight. We know about that already.
ReplyDeleteYou were pointing out something lesser understood. you are right on with this. Thank you for validating me and other women who miss their husbands. You included help and hope. Well done.