"The past couple of years I filled my life with sex, drugs and alcohol. Searching for a purpose and attempting to satisfy my hungers. Until I decided to do what in my mind would be the mature and responsible thing. I stopped using drugs and alcohol and got an apartment with my boyfriend. I was going to get my GED and work. And I thought that was it, I would just continue living my life and that would be satisfying enough. Little did I know, or may I say little did I think, that continuing to have unprotected sex could lead to something much bigger.
Two months after I moved into my apartment I found out I was pregnant. Oh my goodness! A baby!! Yes, I was pregnant! A couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant I also found out I had Chlamydia. What a shock! I went into denial, because of all the excitement of a new baby I didn't even think of worrying about my boyfriend sleeping around. He told me he hadn't. Thankfully there was a pill that we were able to take to kill the sexually transmitted virus. Along with the excitement of the baby, a lot of confusion arose. My mom and my boyfriend thought it'd be best to 'get rid of it.'
Something inside me told me I could never do something like that, I knew the baby was alive. I always dreamed of having a baby. This little thing I wished for probably my whole life was planted inside of me. The thing is my situation around me wasn't how I imagined; I had just enough money to get by, no high school diploma, no car, and really no knowledge of the real responsibilities of raising a child. I had no idea that taking care of someone else's child and raising a child were two different things. I had taken care of plenty of kids, and babies before. My final decision was to keep my son even if I had to do it alone.
My boyfriend decided to stay with me after my decision to keep the baby. Things were going along pretty well, I had an apartment, a baby on the way, I was taking GED classes, why wasn't I happy? Something was missing. Now I can look back and see that all this time these empty emotions and trials in my life that were turning out empty were God stirring in my heart. The things that I thought satisfied me no longer had any meaning. For example, sex or kissing or touching - none of them made sense anymore. I started to look for things like actual interaction and communication between my boyfriend and me. As a matter of fact, all my relationships around me were so empty and unfulfilling. I began wondering, what is love?
So I didn't know what love was, but I found out real fast that what my son's dad and I had wasn't it. We fought a lot, and I know he was having affairs and I began to cling onto him, searching him to be all I needed. Things continued to get worse and we had given up. He moved out and when our lease was almost up I decided to move to New York, where I would stay with my mom. We continued a somewhat of a long distance relationship. Still things weren't right, and I don't mean the circumstances. Something was stirring so deep inside me almost making me oblivious to the circumstances.
May 26, 2009 - it reached the time to deliver my son, my contractions were five minutes apart. So my mom and I slowly traveled to the hospital. My labor had started Sunday night and continued until this Tuesday morning and the whole time there was a peaceful presence around me. Almost like it was protecting and guiding me. Telling me it was alright. I had no clue the news that was about to come true. I arrived at the hospital and as the nurses started checking me in neither of the two could find a heartbeat for my son. Strangely my communications switched, from talking to the people around me to talking and communicating with this Spirit that had been guiding me. It was God. (All the people around me including my mom heard the news and quickly reacted with their emotions and became almost frantic.)
God filled me with this peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding. He told me it would be ok. He told me my son still lives, to be patient with the nurses and to just listen. He guided me. He guided me through my whole delivery; He had guided me through my whole pregnancy. (Up until this moment I thought I had control over everything.) God took me through the rest of the process at the hospital. He kept me as I held my son's lifeless body, earthly body. He held me as my family came to see my son at the hospital, as they wept and cried, He kept me close to Him. God guided me as we made plans for the funeral; He took all things into His control. He carried me through the reuniting of my son's Dad and I, and carried me through the day of my son's funeral. But wait, folks, the story doesn't end there. After my son's death, God opened my eyes so that I may see!
God revealed to me this whole new world, this BIG new picture. A world I on my own couldn't understand or comprehend. I was given a sight that would never allow me to doubt His presence. Never allow me to doubt of the true reality of this world. A few weeks after my son passed away, I asked Christ into my life and I was soon baptized! I accepted Him, as my Lord and Savior!
'He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion
until the day of Christ Jesus'